Mr Big, Why Are You So Fly?

So yesterday I headed to the NY Public Library in Midtown to do some studying for my midterm yesterday and I see this HUGE crowd outside. So I'm like....what on earth is going on?!?!

As I cut thru the throngs of ppl I noticed that they were filming a scene for the Sex And The City movie. I didn't see SJP because apparently they were just filming the scene with Chris Noth. Anyways....I got some pics. I have to say, Mr. Big is really quite handsome in person, although it is hard for any man to look bad in a suit....there is just something about them....I dunno.

Enjoy....and Happy Halloween!

Discombobulated Post

Hey guys...hope everyone had a pleasant weekend. I have a bunch of things I want to throw out there that I have been meaning to talk about but just haven't had the time. Also, it is midterms week and my birthday week all rolled up into one (yay)..so I am gonna be super busy and kinda out of the loop, so I apologize in advance if I don't keep up with my blogging until the weekend.

Ok things to review.....

1). I just got back from memorial services for my Grams. It was a very beautiful service....we definitely gave her an amazing sendoff. It was really touching to see all the people who showed up, it was a testament to what a beloved woman she was not only to her family but also to her community. We didn't even have space for everyone in the church.....people were spilling out into the parking lot and the street...and it was drizzling 1/2 the time. Amazing. It was also a family reunion of sorts because I got a chance to see a couple of uncles and cousins that I haven't been in contact with since the early 90's. It is unfortunate that it took such a sad occasion to bring everyone together but I am still thankful that I got the chance to reconnect with fam and pay tribute to my Grams.

2). A lil while back after my "open secret" post I said that something had happened to me the previous week that was kinda big that I wanted to blog about. Well you remember my hot boss don't cha? Funny thing about that.......he is no longer my boss....seeing as tho I don't work at that company anymore LOL! Now, I would like to think that by some crazy strike of fate he found my blog, realized that I was talking about him, and decided that a office romance was a no-no so he let me go out of self-perservation.

No, no, no....it is much less juicy than that.

Because of my school schedule and the fact that they hired too many people to work later in the week, he had to let me go. If I was able to work shifts in the beginning of the week then I would have probably been able to stay on but they really didn't have space for me....and since I was the last person hired.....well....that means that I was the first person fired! HaHa!

I was upset for all of 20 minutes I think. I mean, no one wants to get let go from a job (and I have never been before) but whatever....it wasn't like I was gonna go hungry or sumthin....or have insurmountable bills to pay.....whatever. At first I was seriously considering dipping into my trust and saying 'fuck it' to working for a while, but seeing as tho that money was set aside for my education it would be really irresponsible to use it for non-discretionary purposes. And knowing me....I would have probably ran off to SoHo to buy a whole bunch of shit that I don't need. LOL! Besides, I am pretty sure I would have to have both of my parents sign off on it anyways....and there is just no way they would do such a thing.

With that being said, I got a new job on the spot the VERY NEXT DAY! {everyone claps...haha} Na, it isn't really that big of a deal, however I believe that I am gonna enjoy this job much more than my previous one. Why you ask? Because as Pete always says......"retail is the #1 gay profession". LMAO!

Yes, I got a job working at a semi-upscale clothing store in SoHo. I am not gonna give you the name because obviously I have to protect my anonymity (and I don't want stalkers...hehe). But, yea, I start later this week and I am pretty excited. I love the clothes there and all the people I've talked to who work there are extremely friendly. I think it is gonna be a really good time. I did take a slight pay cut to work there....but I have the potential to make more during the holiday season since corporate is throwing around the idea of paying us 4% commission on everything we sell. Seeing as tho there is nothing in the store under $50 (that I've seen) I have the potential to make some change.

Ohhhhhh, did I forget to mention that I am positive about 80% of the guys who work there are gay. Looks like Pete was right! It should prove to be a fun time.

On to more excitement from last week.....

3). Last Tuesday I went bar hopping with a guy who I met online. We have been talking on the phone and messaging each other since early Oct. trying to set up a time to meet in person. Anyways, we met up at The Ritz in Hell Kitchen and he is pretty much everything he said he was/I thought he was. He is a supper-chill and well put together guy, he definitely has the potential to be a great friend here in the city. He is 28 and totally out...but you would have no idea that he was gay unless he told you.....just a normal, non-pretentious guy. Anyways, he showed me around Hell's Kitchen and we hit up some of the bars (Vlada, Posh..etc) and we got soooooooo trashed. I should have known better seeing as tho the Mojito's at Posh where only $2.....we all know what happens when K gets his hands on his favorite drink...HAHA!

I also saw my first drag show. CRAZY CRAZY! The guy (actually let's call him Tall Guy since he is a fucking giant) keep on talking over my shoulder saying things like "omg you should see your face.....you are so mesmerized!" and "I've never seen someone pay so much attn to a drag show!" HAHA! In reality, I was kinda mesmerized because I had never seen something like that in person. It was so crazy and over the top....and I'm not gonna lie, she made me kinda uncomfortable a couple of times...but I wouldn't admit it!

Anyways, the clock was ticking and we ended up getting some food at a diner around 3ish (super late of a weeknight...plus he had work in the morning). We were chowing down drunkenly...just talking about life in the city....gay drama etc etc etc.....just basically enjoying each others company. I eventually realized at the end of the meal that i had left my card at Vlada.....(LOL, drunk K....shame on you) so we had to make the trek about 10 blocks back uptown in the rain to get it. Surprisingly is wasn't that uncomfortable because I was kinda trashed and with good company....so I don't even think I noticed that I was soaked.

After I got my card I thanks Tall Guy for taking me out and showing me around his neighborhood and we chatted some more. He refused to let me go all the way home tho because he said I was too trashed and plus it was really late....so we went back to his place.

No.....before your mind starts racing...and you ask for juicy details...I did not have sex with him, however we did sleep together (as in actually sleep...HAHA). I will also tell you that he is an amazing kisser.....needless to say I enjoyed my first night sharing a bed w/ another guy. HAHA! I doubt it is gonna go any further than us being just good buddies...and I am ok with that. I am just happy that I am finally getting out there, meeting people and ultimately getting more comfortable with myself. Definitely making progress I think!

Hope everyone has a great week....I have to go study for my exams....and make some b-day arrangements for Friday.

(My god I can't believe that I will be 23 in less than a week...eeeeckk!)

I'm So Ashamed Right Now

Sigh.......


So I caved in last night and I downloaded the ho's new CD out of total curiosity........

It's really good, and I hate myself for saying so.

I don't even like this broad! The only song that I liked from her previously was Toxic but honestly.....this CD is filled with really hot songs. I mean they aren't deep....and the bitch still can't sing....but they are fun and annoyingly catchy. I love 'Freakshow' and 'Break The Ice' and of course the gay club anthem at the moment.....'Gimme More'.

Damn you Miss Spears!!!




(I'm still not buying it tho....fuck that, and that cover artwork is atrocious....someone at Jive should be fired!)

Cruising 101

Ok, so taking everything into consideration......i've decided that I am going to be flattered. I mean, it isn't everyday that you get fucking cruised right? AND IN BROAD DAYLIGHT TOO! Lets discuss how it went down, shall we?

So I decided to go to Uniqlo yesterday afternoon because I was bored and I didn't want to spend the entire afternoon in the library since I knew that I would basically be there all night. This was a good decision because I bought this really cool hoodie for $39 that looks amazing on me.

So after that I decided I had to go back to my place to drop off my goodies. If anyone is familiar with the location of this store in SoHo...you will note that it is right next to the R/W line on the corner of Prince and Broadway. Anyways, I was totally not paying attention to what I was doing and I accidentally went into the Uptown entrance when I should have hopped onto the Brooklyn-bound train. But no matter....because clearly this was fate HAHAHA!

So I walk thru the turnstyle and realize that I am on the wrong platform. I contemplated for a minute whether or not I should switch trains but I just decided that I would do it at the next stop. So I'm leisurely strolling down the platform, looking down at the floor when all of a sudden this amazing pair of legs comes into my periphery.......

One of the simple joys of coming out to yourself is allowing yourself to actually look at guys. Previously, I would have seen that...locked it away in the corners of my mind and kept it moving. However, I decided to follow those massive calves and see where they lead.....LOL! So im looking up, and up, and up and finally I meet his gaze. I quickly looked away because by the expression on his face, clearly he had realized that I had been checking him out. He was about my height (5'10), mid to late 30's and he really (AND I MEAN REALLY) looked a lot like Anderson Cooper.......REALLY.



He was wearing these yellow and blue Madras pants and a blue muscle shirt that showed off his absolutely massive arms and pecs. We kept on exchanging furtive glances...I would pretend to look for the train over in his direction while sneaking a peek and he would glance at the people behind me and then check me out (I have AMAZING peripheral vision....i'm a fucking OWL!)
At some point in time, I totally started to get sloppy and I would keep on 'almost' getting caught.

Bad K bad, bad K!!!

Inevitably, when the train was pulling up into the station, I looked at him for too long and he locked eyes with me and gave me one of these 'what's up head noddy things.'

SAYYYYYYY WHHHHAAAAAAAAA?!?!?!

So now I'm thinking to myself, "K, did he really realize that you were checking him out and he is acknowledging it, or am I just totally projecting right now?" Well, I would get my answer soon enough when I got into the train.

So I was standing on the platform right behind the yellow line and he was about 8 feet behind me over my left shoulder. When the train came to a stop, I was situated between two cars (hate when that happens). So now I'm like, "which way should you go K?!?!" I shift to my left thinking that since mystery guy is over there, he would probably go into that car, however a shitload of people came spilling out of that car and there was no way I was gonna fight them to get on. So I just went to my right and got into that train.

WELL LOOKY HERE.....WHATYA KNOW...Who do you think just happened to 'slip' into my car at the last moment? None other that mystery man.......and he took the seat RIGHT NEXT TO ME!!!! (It gets really interesting now)

So basically my heart has started to beat kinda crazy. I can't believe this silver fox actually was brazen enough to follow me into this car annnndddd sit next to me! CAN YOU BELIEVE THIS? But wait.......

Dudes, you know when you sit down next to someone and you are getting settled into your seat and then your leg might 'just' happen to brush against the other person's but then you move it away really quickly because that would be an invasion of personal space..........

He never moved his leg people!

N-E-V-E-R!!!!

Not only did he not move his leg.....he was pushing it against mine....IN A CROWED TRAIN.....AT 2:30 ON A TUESDAY AFTERNOON....IN THE MIDDLE OF NEW YORK....BRAZEN!!!!

If you have read this far you probably are........
A). Laughing your ass off
B). In shock
C). Shaking your head
D). All of the above

I have to admit, my overriding emotion at this time (much to my surprise) was not shock but pure excitement. I could not BELIEVE that I was getting cruised. Who does this? How do you do this? I dunno cruising etiquette.....what the fuck am I supposed to do?

I was immediately reminded of this and I decided...what the heck....we are in the corner of the train and no one is paying attention....let's see if this is for real.

So I push back.....

He pushes back harder (with those massive legs)

So I push back more.....

He starts bouncing on his toes and rubbing his leg against mine

So I start bouncing on my toes as well.....

Can I just say that at this moment I am pretty sure that I have never been so excited in my entire life. It was so wrong and soooo many levels. I mean, I here I am fucking toe tapping in the middle of the R Train with a complete fucking stranger...LMAO! Dude, you woulda thought that we were Savion Glover and Gene Kelly up in that bitch......just tap tap tapping up a storm.

LMAO!

I can laugh about it now....but at the time I was way to excited to laugh.

Anywho, After we passed the 8th Street station, I remember that I was going the wrong way on this train and I needed to switch. I suppose I was caught up with other things. Ha! So I'm thinking to myself, 'K...you are totally getting cruised right now by a stranger (who just so happens to be totally smoking hot) what on earth are you gonna do?'

I mean we have yet to actually say anything to each other...it has just been a exchange of furtive glances, coy smiles/smirks and a toe tapping routine. LOL! Where is this gonna go? Well I decided that this was fun for the past 10 or 15 minutes but really....nothing was gonna happen....and I really didn't want anything to happen because I don't know this guy or where he has been...or anything for that matter. To top it off, I am totally shy and even though it is BLATANTLY OBVIOUS that he is interested...there is no way I would be able to find my voice to speak to him. And even if I did, what on earth would I say?

So as we are pulling into Union Square I decided that I was gonna get up and grab some Jamba Juice (all that exercise got me parched). So I look over at him for the first time since we sat down and I said 'excuse me' and I smiled just for effect. LOL, I am horrible! He smirked and looked down in his lap as I was getting up...............

DO I EVEN NEED TO TELL Y'ALL WHAT I SAW?!?!?!

Guys, it looked like he was smuggling a fucking Voss water bottle in his shorts.......

One word......GINORMOUS!

I am pretty sure that my eyes popped out of my head because when I looked back at his face as I was stepping over his legs to get out of the train....he was totally smirking at me. LOLOLOLOL! Bro, did you just pop a fucking boner on me? WHO KNEW I could have such an effect on someone....hilariousness, absolute hilariousness.

So anyways as I was walking out of the station I said to myself, "wouldn't it be rich if I looked back right now and he was behind me?" I mean, I didn't see him get off the train at all so chances are that he didn't...and really......a person can only be so brazen right?

W-R-O-N-G!!!

As I was walking up the staircase into Union Square (the entrance in front of Whole Foods) I look back and he is like 200 feet behind me, twirling his phone and trying to focus his attention on everything that is going around except me. So at this point, you'd think I would be scared for my life right? I mean, I've got a horned up guy kinda sorta following me around....any normal person would be totally freaked right now.

I started laughing......straight up, rolling on the floor laughter. I just couldn't believe it at all. At no point was I really scared or anything.....I mean it was like 3:00PM in the middle of Union Square....and I'm an ultra-intimidating looking black man....what is he gonna do to me? LMAO!

I then decided to go get my Jamba Juice and see what his next move would be. Part of me was thinking that I am really foolish to be playing this game....but honestly, this was the most excitement that I think that I have ever had...and I was having fun....fuck it!

When I was walking back, about to cross 14th street I saw him sitting on a ledge, lecherously leering at me. Dude, are you being serious with me right now? HAHA! It just keeps on getting better and better I swear to you. So I cross the street and pass him on the ledge. As I'm sipping on my Peach Pleasure I look over at him and give him one last smile. He gives me a combination head nod as he bites his bottom lip.....

WHAT ARE YOU DOING BUDDY....IN PUBLIC?!?!?!?! AT ME?!?!?!?

Clearly the most shameless and brazen man I have ever run across in my life.







I probably shoulda gotten his number shouldn't I?

Larry Craig Totally Taught Me My Toe-Tapping Technique!

Yes boys, you read the title of this post correctly. Your boy K....on October 23, 2007 just had his first cruising experience.



NOOOOO, Not THAT type of cruising silly....THE "OTHER" type of cruising!

Now before you flip out and say I am a dirty, filthy whore....realize that I didn't have sex with the guy. However, it doesn't make the story any less juicy!

I am still up in the air as to whether I am totally creeped out or absolutely flattered. Give me a couple hours to think about it. I have to go to class.....I will be back for all the juicy details.

CRAZYINESSS!

"Open Secret" Part II

Ok...so I left off by giving you the tail end of the "chat" between me and Delta Boy. When the girls came back in, I had to quickly excuse myself to the restroom because I was in such bad shape. It was a mixture of a whole bunch of emotions....on one hand I was kinda relieved because it is obvious that he knows and he is ok with it...but on the other hand I was really quite upset because it further solidified the fact that I have been wasting my time these past years trying to put up a facade that wasn't fooling anyone. I'm not gonna lie to you, it is definitely a double edged sword.

Anyways, while I was in the bathroom trying to collect myself...I was furiously texting all over the place because I couldn't get enough signal to place a call. I think I was in there for about 15 minutes....when I came out the towel guy gave me a massive side-eyed glance as if to say "what the fuck where you doing in there buddy" LOL...whatever...he was the least of my concerns at the moment and the awkwardness was just beginning........

When I got to the table, everyone was there...the girls,the club promoter (UCF girl's cousin), his girlfriend and other assorted friends. Delta Boy slid over to let me onto the couch and then came up to my ear and said.....I shit you not...........

"We are all tired of this place, "John" (the club promoter) has got a connect at this great GAY CLUB down the street...you are alright with that....right" (statement not a question btw)



So I was like (as chill as possible) "sure, why not...this place is clearing out anyways" (I am sure it was way past 2AM by this point). He smirked at me and said "you will like it there man....gay clubs always have the best music."

LMAO...like people go to a gay club for la musica!!! (LMAO I actually do realize that straight people often times patron gay establishments because the music is usually superior to that of regular clubs...but me being me....the music is the LAST thing on my mind when I head out to one of those places.)

Anywho, we all ordered our last rounds and started doing the drunk shuffle towards the door. We all filed into 4 cabs and drove over to Splash. This place is huge...and the go-go dancers are huge.....the bartenders are huge.....their packages are huge......their asses are huge.....am I making sense or just blabbering? It was total sensory overload and I must say...upon walking in I could tell that I liked the place 10x more than the previous club I went to a couple of weekends ago.

So we all walked towards the bar in the back to get some drinks. All the while UCF girl was tugging my hand as she lead us threw the crowd, LITERALLY SWATTING sweaty, shirtless guys out of the way. Seriously.....like imagine how you would swat flies...or an angry swarm of bees. The place was packed. Craziness I tell you! Guys were hooking up all over the place....grinding left and right....it was mad. All of a sudden I feel Delta Boy's hand on my shoulder and he goes "dude....it is fucking crazy in here....who knew?!?!"

Touche' Touche'....Who Knew Indeed!!! (lie)

Anyways.....we get to the bar and let me just take a moment to talk about this bartender. Had to be at least 6'3 and no less than 185 pounds of pure fucking grade A HOTNESS. Real Talk!

If only I had flash.......

He had the cutest baby face with dimples and jet black hair....and his body would honestly make even Brady Quinn jealous. I kid you not. And he had on these tiny 2xist boxer briefs....{trails offfffffff}

Ok, back to the story so we are all by the ordering drinks (I am just slyly checking out the bartender...LOL) and all of a sudden I realize that I really have to pee. So I excused myself and waded through all the hotties as made my way downstairs. It was pretty much the same deal down there as well but a little bit less frenetic. Anyways, I went into the bathroom to do my business (it is a HUGE bathroom by the way...reminded me of a super modern locker-room). After that I turned and went to the sink...not really paying attention to anything that was going on around me. As I was soaping up my hands I felt this tap on my shoulder....I looked up in the mirror and I saw this slightly twinkish redhead smiling behind me that I have never seen before.........

At this moment....my heart basically drops because I am thinking to myself, "fuck K....look what you've done...I bet you that this is kid is some friend of a friend and he recognized you and now he is gonna tell everyone how he saw you in a fucking gay club!!"

Paranoid right?

L-M-A-O turns out he was admiring my shoes and he wanted me to turn around and lift up my pants so he could see them better. I immediately chuckled to myself thinking about how absolutely ridiculous I was acting. So I shook of my hands quickly over the sink and turned around to show them to him. He complemented me on them and then asked where he could find em. I let him know about the Puma store in the Meatpacking District and then he started talking about how he has been down there a couple of times for clubs and stuff..but has never seen the store. I told him the store's approximate location (as best as I could remember) and he thanked me.

Kid: Thanks bro.........oh by the way, the name is Andre.

Me: {smiles nervously} Haha........my name is ______________, pleasure to meet you

Then he did the funniest thing....he sent out his right hand to shake mine and then quickly pulled it back and laughed. I stood there awkwardly perplexed for about a 1/2 second until I put two and two together and remembered that he was in the line to use the sink...LMAO! Sure enough.....

Andre: My bad...I just took a piss with this hand....hehehe

Me: HAHAHA....it's all good bro......here {send out left hand awkwardly}

Andre: {shakes it} Watch out for those babies {looks down} make sure no one steps on your feet.

Me: I'll be careful.....Thanks!

Looking back......should I have stayed longer to talk to him? Haha...I dunno...the whole night was so fucking awkward and I was totally out of my element. I hope I didn't miss an opportunity to strike up a real convo with (seemingly) cool guy. Ah well....what's done is done.

So.....at this time I am sure you guys are thinking that the night couldn't get any weirder..........right?

YOU WOULD BE WRONG!!!

Im back upstairs trying to look for Delta Boy and the rest of our party.....and I can't see them from my vantage point. As I am walking Delta Boy's girlfriend grabs my arm and is like...."hey K...we are all over here!" So I allow myself to get dragged along by this little 5'2 girl to another side of the bar. ANDDDDDDD WHAT DO I SEE WHEN I GET OVER THERE?!?!!?!?!?!?

DELTA BOY, UCF GIRL'S COUSIN AND ALL THE OTHER GUYS IN OUR PARTY ARE OVER THERE IN THE CORNER......DANCING SHIRTLESS!

S--H--I--R--T--L--E--S--S !!!!!!!

My jaw dropped. Mind you.....all these guys are straight (at least 3 of them that I know for a fact) and most of them came with their girlfriends...but now they are all dancing shirtless while the girls are on the side, cat-calling and whistling at them. LMFAO! At one point Delta Boy was swinging his wife-beater around in the air like a helicopter.

Clearly I have entered the Twilight Zone..........

Delta Boy: Hey man...where did you run off too....

Me: {mouth still agape} Ummmmm I had to piss

Delta Boy: Dude, come on...why do you still have your jacket and shirt on......join in we are all doing it!

UCF Girl: Yeaaaa.....you must be hot, take that shit off THIS INSTANT!

Delta Boy's Girlfriend: {reaches for my zipper}

UCF Girl: {grabs jacket collar from the back and starts to pull down}

So now at this point I'm thinking that I am having an out of body experience of some sort. Let's review........

- My friend basically lets me know that he knows I'm gay and is super supportive of it.
- Gets the club promoter to bring us to a gay club.
- Dances shirtless along with all the other guys in our group.
- ATTEMPTS to get his girlfriend and homegirl to strip me.

Yes that is right......you read that right.....I said ATTEMPT!! There is NO WAY I was taking off my clothes! LOLOL! You must be crazy girl...trying to strip me!

Me: I'm not taking off my clothes...yall are mad!

Delta Boy: Dude...fuck that....how do you expect to get free drinks up in this place.....if you want a guy to buy you a drink, well......you've gotta strip!!!!


Speechless......one word......speechless. Dude, are you advocating me taking my clothes off so guys will buy me drinks? Damnnnnnn you clearly are cool with this whole "gay thing" aren't cha! My goodness...never in my life would I have EVER imagined all this. N-E-V-E-R!

So I ended up taking my jacket off but I kept my shirt on because there was just no way I was getting shirtless....NO! I still have a lot of body issues to work out and compounded with the fact that my friend is trying to get me 1/2 naked in a gay club so I can get picked up....no, it's just tooo much. Maybe sometime in the FAR DISTANT future I can get comfortable enough to do that....but I am really not there yet....sorry to say.

Anyways...we stayed at Splash until 4 (the latest i've been out in NYC) drinking and dancing and having a good time pretty much. Delta Boy's gf even dared him to go talk to a drag queen and he went over there and chatted her up. WTF?!!?! LOLOLOL! Everyone thought it was the most hilarious thing...and he really got a kick out of it. I've gotta say, I found it quiet amusing myself.

We all reconvened outside to go our separate ways for the evening. Most of the party had to go uptown so I had to leave them there. Before I left, Delta Boy took me to the side and was like......

Delta Boy: Did you have a good time?

Me: Yea man...it was definitely a fun and memorable night.

Delta Boy: Good, good....I heard from "John" that this club gets pretty crazy on the weekends.....now you know where it is...you should come back and check it out bro! {slaps me on the back}

And everyone in the blogosphere collectively goes: AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!

Haha, that was nice of him to say. Again, I had to stop myself from getting too emotional. He is such a great fucking guy...I'm glad I have him as a friend. What a crazy Thursday night huh?



*There is another big thing that happened to me last week that has nothing to do with the story that I will blog about soon....but this story definitely takes precedence over this next one.....although it is still pretty major....at least for me*

**and no it has nothing to do with sex**

Sigh....Guess It Really Is An "Open Secret"

So yea....you know when I had that little"situation" with PR Boy last month and we basically came out to each other. And then afterwards he basically told me over the phone that I was being incredibly naive if I thought that my friends didn't already know........

{everyone nods their heads}

Well yea.......at the time I thought he was saying that to bolster his own argument.....but guess what......the kid is pretty much right, at least in this NEW instance. Please, pull up a chair and let me explain.

So, one of my really good friends came into town yesterday. We've have known each other since middle school (7th Grade to be exact). He is a really cool and chill guy and we have always been pretty close. He is one of those friends that you don't keep in everyday contact with....but when you meet up with them it is almost like no time has elapsed....if that makes any sense. He is definitely not someone who I chat with on a weekly (or even monthly) basis but when we do catch up, we just pick off right where we left off. Anyways, he works for Delta now....so I think I will refer to him as Delta Boy from now on.

Delta Boy and I went to H.S. together as well...but we ended up going to different universities (he went to UCF). Anyways, sometime during our sophomore year, Delta Boy got diagnosed with a rare form of cancer. He had to drop out of school and do the whole chemo treatment thing and eventually he went into remission (thank god). After that situation....as would be expected....I noticed a real change in him. He definitely seems to be much more spiritual now than he was before...along with many other things. (This backstory will become somewhat relevant soon...I promise)

So I met up with him, his friend from back home, his friend from UCF and his girlfriend (so adorable btw) in Times Square. We grabbed something to eat and watched the USF/Rutgers game at the ESPNzone. Can I just say....the food was pretty blah...but then again it is Times Square and I really should have known better than to eat in a tourist trap. However, we got a chance to watch USF get their asses handed to them (thank god...they were getting too big for their fucking britches) so that was all good.

After dinner we all headed down Hotel Chelsea for a private party that was being held by the cousin of the girl from UCF. I was a pretty small club...good music, great drinks and a late 20s/early 30s trendy type of crowd crowd (I felt slightly undressed...and that almost never happens)

Anyways, her cousin got us at table (apparently he is a big party promoter of some sort) and we started hitting back Cherry Bombs and a whole other long list of assorted drinks and whatnot. Needless to say....everyone got pretty sloppy (I surprisingly stayed buzzed and not drunk the entire night). There was a lot of drunken antics....and at one time, the stripper pole did get used by the girls. HAHAHA.....it was like the amateur, amateur version of Gimme More. LOL.....I've got pics to prove it!

Ok...im kinda stalling at this point.....how about we get to the point where Delta Boy totally drops a bomb on my head (and not a Cherry one either!) So the girls go out to catch some air and he pulls me aside to another booth to have a "chat". The transcript for your reading pleasure.......

Delta Boy: So what do you think of my girl?

Me: She is pretty amazing, I like her already and I've only just met her

Delta Boy: Yea?

Me: Yea bro....she is a real good fit for you...she is chill and not to prissy.....I know you don't like that shit.

Delta Boy {smiles} Yea man...she is such a good catch, she isn't really clingy either and she gives me my space when I need it

Me: That's so important.

Delta Boy: Yea, it really is...plus I think our personalities match really well.

Me: Yea you guys look like you have a lot of fun.

Delta Boy: I really want to do right by her man.....I don't want to turn out like my Dad.

Me: Dude, you will not....you are in a position where you know the fucked up things he did and you can learn from that and make sure you don't go down that road. Just because your pops was a womanizer doesn't mean that will automatically make you one too.

Delta Boy: You are right bro...but look at all these girls, the temptations are crazy....ya know what I mean?

Me: I feel you. (lie, I have no idea) You are just gonna have to do the right thing. If you love her you will just do right by her and that will be that. Can I tell you something?

Delta Boy: Sure....what up?

Me: When you went to go get drinks earlier your girl and I were talking and she was saying how you are the best thing that ever happened to her and she is more happy now with you than she has ever been in her entire life.

Delta Boy: You serious?!?!

Me: Real talk......she even went as far to say that she didn't ever want to do anything to disappoint you

Delta Boy: Dammmnnnnn

Me: You see....she is committed to you man, you've just got to do right and that's that.

Delta Boy: Guess I found a good one then huh?

Me: Yea you did

Delta Boy: So what about you man? {puts his hand over my shoulder and pulls me in}

Me: What do you mean

Delta Boy: Did you find that special one yet?

Me: {nervous laugh} Na man, I haven't...it'll happen soon enough tho.

Delta Boy: {pulls me in further and shakes me} Are you even looking?!?!?

Me: Honestly...not really....I'm hoping that it will just drop in my lap.

Delta Boy: {sighs loudly and shakes his head} How much longer are you gonna keep this up bro?

Aside #1: G-A-S-P........as soon as he said that I knew exactly where this conversation was going. I am pretty sure everyone else in the blogosphere pretty much can figure out the rest of this "chat".

Me: What do you mean?

Delta Boy: {moves to the edge of the seat, turns, and gives me one of these}

Me: What?!?! {getting extremely squeamish}

Delta Boy: I think you know what I mean, have you found that special "someone" yet?

Aside #2: He actually did that motion as he was saying someone...notice the gender neutrality in his statement.

Me: Na I haven't.....like I said......but then again, I haven't really been looking (1/2 lie) ya know? I dunno, I'm one of those people who believes it will just kinda find me somehow {trails off}

Delta Boy: {looks into my eyes for what seemed to be an ETERNITY, looks down....looks back up at me again....waits AGAIN for what seemed like an eternity then furiously shakes his head}

Aside #3: I hope you guys realize by now that he was giving me an opening to come out to him and I didn't take it. It is beyond obvious that he knows. He knows! I would also like to add that Delta Boy does not (and has never) run in the same clique as PR Boy. So there is no way that Delta Boy could have found out about me through my conversation with him. This lends credence to PR Boy's pronouncement earlier that pretty much all my close friends know about my "status". But wait, we haven't even gotten to the main thrust of the convo yet.

Delta Boy: {grabs me by my shoulder and pulls me close} K, you've really gotta do what makes you happy.

Me: Of course!

Delta Boy: You know what I mean bro?

Me: {looks down...but still shakes head}

Delta Boy: Look at me! Dude, take it from me.....you know what I've been through these past couple of years...life is too fucking short man.

Me: You're right, you're right.......

Delta Boy: You're saying that but I don't think you really believe it. Listen to me man....having cancer changed my outlook bro...life is too short to not do what doesn't make you happy...you've just got to do it and fuck whatever anyone else thinks.

Me: I agree, I totally agree.

Aside #4: This was said in an extremely flippantly manner I might add (dunno if consciously I meant for it to come out that way or not). A part of me I suppose was subconsciously trying to steer this conversation into a more, sorta general, non-serious, drunken philosophical type of chit chat when we both knew that he was referring SPECIFICALLY to my situation in the closet.

Delta Boy: I don't think you are really hearing me {turns directly in my face}. Bro, I know you're parents man...they are alot like mine. We come from old-school households.....I know I know....it's hard.........but you have to just do what makes you happy! Bro.....find that "someone" that makes you happy.

Me: Sighs....you are right.

Delta Boy: Of course I'm fucking right...I'm saying it dipshit! Dude, I can see it all over your face.....you aren't happy right now. You probably haven't been in a long time. Dude......the sooner you find that person, the sooner you will be able to start living you're life! Dude.....you positioned yourself in like the social capital of the world.....go out, make some connections and find that special person.

Aside #4: By this time im trying to focus on anything to stop me from balling. I mean, I really wanted to cry...and I am not the crying type of guy (hold over from my father I suppose) but it was really hard....I was looking at my shoes most of the time because I know that if I looked up at him it would have been all over. It's obvious that he knows...and he was gonna give me advice whether or not I decided to come out. He even made sure to keep on using gender neutral pronouns like "someone" and "special person" because I guess he figured (rightly so I suppose) that I was totally uncomfortable with this entire conversation.

Me: You speak the truth my man.

Delta Boy: Dude......whatever happens, you know your friends are gonna love you no matter what. You are such a great guy and a good friend...

Me: Thanks man

Delta Boy: You need to know that! You are to good of a person to be alone....get out there and fucking live your life! {slaps me on the back}

Me: Laughs


*I have some reading to do....so Part II will be coming up later......I haven't even begun to tell you what else happ that night/morning*

Another (minor, but still hot) Celebrity Sighting

LOL, so it looks like I am gonna get one of these every fucking week. You guys must be tired of reading about them but seriously.......I find them incredibly interesting, and lets face it.......it is my blog and i'll do what I wanna!

So I met my friend who works for CNN up in Chelsea for dinner. As usual it was a great meal and we had a lot of great things to talk and laugh about. I've known him since high school and we are always joking and acting foolish whenever we get together. Anyways, after dinner, we decided to walk off our meal and head up to the Apple store on 5th so I could talk to someone about getting a new bezel for my iPhone. Like a dumbass, I scratched it last night on the sidewalk. Ugh...whatever, it isn't really that noticeable.....but I am just really anal about such things....LOL!

Anywho after that we found ourselves walking downtown on Broadway. It was a nice night out tonight and we figured...what the heck, might as well! Well guess who we passed walking the opposite direction right around Herald Square?!?!?!

Dudes...it was Teddy John from the short-lived (but totally amazing) reality TV show on MTV, 8th & Ocean



So you already know my deal when I see someone famous (or in this case, semi-famous).....I totally cocked my head to the side and I said to my friend......."dude, isn't he that one kid from 8th and Ocean?!?!" So CNN Boy turns around and was like...."what" and I was like..."you know...that kid Terry!" (LOL..at the time I SWORE up and down that his name was Terry) CNN Boy was like...."dude, you mean Teddy!" And I was like.."dude Terry, Teddy whateverthefuck....that's him how much you wanna bet!" So we turned around and made it like we were going into the subway on 34th and sure enough...upon second glance he totally co-signed on my observation.

It was kinda sad actually because out of everyone who was standing around, I think that we were the only ones who recognized who he was. Let me just say, in person....the kid kinda looks ordinary EXCEPT FOR HIS EYES....which are seriously out of this fucking world. He is also pretty tall and nicely built (he is a model after all) but he has nooooo ass! In all honesty tho, that is just being EXTREMELY critical ....I mean the guy is like 1000x hotter than I would be on my best day.....true story.

So I bet you guys are asking yourselves..."why didn't you guys say hello since it is clear no one else noticed him?" Well he was on the phone and that's a shame because CNN Boy is totally the guy to walk up to someone and be like, "excuse me, are you so and so from such and such".....LOL! I would have loved to talk to him as well...but let's be real, I am kinda shy and I think it would be slightly inappropriate to start chatting with him on the street corner. Plus there is the whole thing about me being gay and perhaps showing a BIT too much interest in another guy with my friend right there.....oh wells!

Anyways, I think i've passed more celebs in the past month and half than I have in my entire life up to this point......but what do you expect walking around the streets of New York?

A Little Something To Look Foward To....

So Apple officially announced today that Leopard is coming out next Friday at 6PM. I am kinda excited for the new OS....as I know many others are out there. I just hope that it doesn't have any bugs. I will pick it up after I get back from Jamaica, it will be a little something to look forward to I guess.

Anyways if you havent already...check out the list of brand new features......they are pretty impressive!

Some of the ones that I am really looking forward too are.....
- The new transparent dock...with stacks
- Wikipedia in the Dictionary (I am a Wikipedia junky....love that site)
- New Finder with CoverFlow (A fun way to go through all my porn!)
- Movie Previews in Front Row (I use it all the time when I am on my bed)
- Tabbed Chat in iChat
- New Preview interface
- Moveable tabs in Safari (FINALLY!!! JESUS)
- Spaces
- and Finally.....Time Machine (gonna necessitate a larger external HD)

I am not gonna lie, I am kinda excited to get my hands on it. If anything else, I am sure it will just widen the gap b/t Mac OS and Vista.....because as every already knows......Vista is crap. LOL!

Putting Things In Perspective

Death has a funny way of doing that to you, doesn't it?

And to think, I was here sitting in my room worrying about the silliest and most inane things. You really realize how insignificant your problems are when you learn about a death in the family.

I just got off the phone with my Mom, apparently my Grams passed away last night.

She was having some problems late last week with some internal bleeding...but as of Friday the doctors said she was doing great. One of them even said that she was one of the strongest 90+ year old women that he has ever run across....

As bad as I feel now though....I am happy that she had an opportunity to live such a long life. It is definitely a blessing that not many get. I am also grateful that I had a chance to see her recently at my cousin's wedding when I was back in Jamaica. When family members get to that age....you just really have to see them and talk to them as much as possible, because you really never know.

I remember that before I left, she told me how proud she was of me getting into grad school....and she said that she always knew I would make it. :(

I guess I will be out of the country sometime within the coming weeks. No arrangements have been made yet but it is so sad that she couldn't hold on for another week, because my parent's where flying down there on the 19th for their Goddaughter's wedding.

Death is never convenient tho.......

Dude...What The Fuck!?!?!

I was so ready....

I was psyching myself out all day.

Finally Columbia Girl was free and we were going to go out to dinner tonight.

FINALLY...I would have this girl alone, and we would sit down and talk.

And what does she do.............................



She tells me that she invited PR BOY and he is now coming to dinner as well!

Are you serious girl?!?! I've been trying to get you alone all week!

Now my plans are TOTALLY scrapped......for the THIRD TIME THIS FUCKING WEEK!

I am not gonna lie......I'm kinda ticked off right now as I am getting dressed to meet them. This is ridiculous...it is almost as if SHE DOESN'T WANT TO BE ALONE WITH ME.

Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr! We will talk later guys.



*Edit: One last quick thought guys. Wouldn't it be hilarious if the reason why she seemingly doesn't want to be alone with me is the fact that she thinks I am trying to profess my undying love for her? I mean we are pretty close, and have been for quite some time. What if she thinks that I have somehow developed feelings for her...and that is why I want to talk with her alone so badly! That would be on par with the more ridiculous things that have occurred to me lately.

L-M-A-O!

Ok, you guys are gonna be rolling on the floor with this one.

Sooooooo, I am at work right.....and I am entering some data into my computer. Basically, that is what I do for 16 hours a week. Boring I know...but I make really good money so I really can't complain. And then don't forget there is the whole boss attraction clusterfuck......

Actually if I am being honest I have been doing really well on that front. I've been totally avoiding him as much as possible, trying not to stare at him and trying my damnedest not to notice how he lightly traces his pecs and abs through his shirt whenever he walks around the office.

I am doing REALLY well......PROMISE!









Who am I kidding, I'm totally smitten with this guy........

But dudes, it's dangerous, it's wrong...annndddd it's unhealthy.........

DAMMIT!





Anyways, this is where the story become absolutely fucking hilarious.

You guys remember how I went to the gay bar/club last Friday right? Keep that fact in mind!

So the boss pulls up a chair next to me and sits down to look at the Excel spreadsheet that I am working on. He finds some problems with some of the things that I have entered and kinda chews me out. Honestly, my head wasn't there today and I made a shitload of silly mistakes that he kept on running across, it happens. Whatever, at least he seemed just slightly annoyed and not totally pissed off. Anywho, he was kinda reaching over my right side to get to get to the keyboard and mouse in order to make some corrections. My phone was on the desk, laying between me and the bottom of the keyboard.

As he reaches over to type, I get a text message. Now for those of you not familar with the iPhone, when you get a text...it shows up in a pretty large sized, blue bubble in middle of the screen. Sigh..............

This is what it said.......

"BOIPARTY@B.NITE.COM (CAMPUS THURSDAYS) FREE W/ TEXT TILL 1AM, $5AFTER. BOIPARTY.COM W17 5-6AVE!"

Ok....ok, ok i'll give everyone their chance to laugh and point at me....


So now, I am FURIOUSLY tapping at the screen trying make it go away when it retrospect, all I had to do was click the lock button on the top. D'oh....fucking idiot! So now all the failing arms along with the vibrating phone got his attention.

I know he read it because then he looked up, looked at my face and fucking smirked! HE SMIRKED!

When I finally got the text to go away I look up again...and he says "Are you finished? Any time you're ready!" THANK GOD I am physically unable to blush....because I swear to god I would have been red like a tomato!

Can you imagine? I totally forgot that I gave my phone number to the promoters that was standing in front of the door at the club. Now I gonna be getting "BOIPARTY" texts at inopportune times for the rest of my life.

Can I just say....I was so self-concious and freaked out the rest of the day....I am pretty sure I was shaking at one point. I mean, I don't even really know why.....I already know that he is gay so it shouldn't be such a big deal, right? And I am POSITIVE he read the text...because you should have seen the change in his facial expression after he processed it...it was like straight out of the fucking movies....and you should have seen this smirk. It was a knowing smirk! He totally knows I am gay now.

What a way to inadvertently come out at work!

If I am being honest with you guys tho...I have to say that I have been snickering all evening long. This shit is actually quite hilarious! Let's see what happens tomorrow at work......should be interesting, no?


EDIT: I just remembered that today is National Coming Out Day.....how fitting!

K's Pet Peeves...

A partial list of things have have been especially irritating to me since I moved to NYC.........in no particular order.

- People who don't say thank you as/after you hold the door for them.

- People who smoke directly in front of buildings.

- People who talk on their cell phones in crowded elevators.

- People who walk smack dab in the middle of the sidewalk (bonus points for those who are xtra fat and do this....or who stop every two feet)

- People who crowd the subway doors as your pulling into the station leaving you with no way to get out of the train.

- People who hide behind newspapers when they see an older person on pregnant woman get on the train. (as if we don't notice you...fucking douchebag, get up so they can sit!)

- People who own large dogs in the city. (No lie, I saw some hipster twink walking a Great Dane in Washington Square Park the other day.....that is animal cruelty to have such a large dog in the city....I don't care what anyone says)

- People who wear sunglasses indoors. (Try to be a bit more pretentious for me please....thanks!)

That's all for now....i'll add more as more people irritate me...LOL!

New Finds!

So for whatever reason, over the past 2 weeks or so I have run across a bunch of new blogs. I update my blogroll pretty frequently so I just wanted to give everyone a heads up. I am sure that most of you have stopped by these blogs before, but i'll list them anyways........

- A Life In New England
- A Circle In A World Of Squares
- Closet Frat Boy
- Figuring Myself Out
- Spenc In The City
- Troystopher

Definitely give them a look.

OMFG.....CELEBRITY SIGHTING!!!!!!!!

You guys WILL NOT BELIEVE who I just ran into on the West Side!!!!!

Breathe..........

So, I went to Central Park to chill and have some lunch...it was cool, did some people watching....blah blah blah.

So then I decided to have a little walk downtown instead of catching the subway back to my place. I decided to walk around the West Side since I haven't really seen much of that neighborhood yet.

I am walking down 10th Ave, listing to.....of all songs.........P.Y.T by Michael Jackson on my iPhone. I was just singing along and enjoying myself.

AND WHO WALKS AROUND THE CORNER FROM 47TH STREET WITH HIS ASSISTANT IN TOW!?!?!?!

CHANNING MOTHER-FUCKING TATUM!!!!!

{{{stifles a squeal}}}










So......I totally stopped in my tracks and tilted my head to the side...I suppose I kinda looked like this.....

I must have looked ridiculous because he gave me a "what.......do I have something on my face?!?!" kinda look. LOL!

I was literally within 3 or 4 feet of him....and I didn't even say a word!

Fuck, Fuck Fucking Fuck..............

I was so mesmerized....if you thought he looked good on screen and in your magazines......just wait til you see this guy in person!

He had on a wifebeater on and a white t-shirt on top of that but he only had that on his neck and left arm (it's hot today). He was also walking with his right hand in his pants....like LITERALLY DOWN HIS PANTS!!!

Once he past me, I turned back and he did so as well at the same time. He smirked at me over his left shoulder as he opened the door to his trailer.

Fucking cocky bastard....why must you tease me with that amazing face/body/swagger....I hate you!









Invite me into your trailer please :)









P.S. According to imdb.com, he is filming Fighting with Terrance Howard and a whole bunch of other people. I might go back there tomorrow before class and see if I can get some pics. I don't want to be a stalker tho......eeeek! (He is so FIONE!)

Interesting Weekend....

I had a somewhat interesting weekend that I want to share, but first I want to say something........

I want to thank everyone who left me a comment on my last post, I really was not in the best place and it is really nice to know that I've got people out there that care enough to leave me some love and support. It is definitely greatly appreciated and it helped to pick up my sprits when I needed it the most. When I started this blog a couple of months ago, I never really imagined it would turn into such an important outlet for me. I have met so many quality guys through this blog and I am just really thankful that I have a support system now that I can turn to when I am dealing with issues that I would ordinarily not be able to talk about with my other friends.

Forgive me for being so sappy, but I really had to put that out there. Now lets talk about my weekend....we will backtrack and talk about yesterday first.......

NO ONE SPEAK TO ME ABOUT THAT TRAVESTY OF A GAME LAST NIGHT IN BATON ROUGE.....I DON'T WANT TO HEAR ABOUT IT, DON'T SAY A WORD TO ME ABOUT IT AT ALL! THANK YOU! {tosses a bottle across the room}

Breathe....

Friday night was quite interesting. I definitely didn't not plan on going out at all. I was gonna spend a quite night going to the gym and then watching a movie, however a guy that most of us are familiar with (Chris) IM'ed me and said that he was coming into the city with his friend and that they were hitting up a gay bar/club. I figured, what the hell...let me throw on something and go out there to meet them.

Surprisingly, I was not nervous....kinda shocking to me seeing as though I've never been to a gay venue before but I guess I just stopping caring that much anymore, I dunno. Anyways, I got dressed and headed out to Heaven and as soon as I walked in it was pretty much total sensory overload. Half nekkid sweaty guys all grinding up on each other...tiny twinks in Ginch Gonch's dancing on the bar....never have I ever seen something like that in real life. To say I was slightly overwhelmed would be an understatement, HAHA!

I went upstairs to meet Chris, all the while ogling the hotties all around. Turns out Friday night is college night, so it was a pretty young crowd (with a few pervy looking 40 yr olds sprinkled around for effect...LOL). Anyways, I met up with Chris (who is even more stunning in person if you can believe it) and we chatted for a while on the couch pointing out all the hotties that were swarming around the bar. Eventually, I decided that I was gonna get kinda liquored up because there was no way in hell I would be able to talk to any of these guys in my sober condition.....bad, I know...sue me.

Anywho, got a couple of Rum & Cokes from the shirtless bartender (who's happy trail was totally distracting me from thinking clearly) and I started chatting with this cute black guy that had taken a seat next to me. Turns out that he is a senior at the Univ. of Rochester in upstate NY and he came down here with his friend. He was bitching because whenever he goes places with this kid he always ends up leaving with some guy and never says anything to him...LOLOL! So now he was searching the 2nd Floor trying to find him. I told him he needs to find better friends, he just shrugged his shoulders and was like "hey, what are you gonna do?" We chatted for a couple minutes about school and whatnot until he said that we was gonna go check downstairs again for him. Pretty interesting kid (from the 10 or 15 mins I spent with him) but clearly nothing to get too excited or worked up about.

I ordered another drink from the bartender and just checked out the guys grinding on the dancefloor. For some reason I just found the whole situation really funny to me. I almost felt like I was one of those Discovery Channel hosts observing "Twinkus Erectus" in their natural habitat...HAHA! For whatever reason the voice inside my head started speaking with an Australian accent like......"Crikey, what do we have here, notice the Twinkus' extremely complex gyrations as he is clearly trying to pick up a mate." It was interesting to say the least.

I headed downstairs to check what was going on down there and it was pretty much the same story as upstairs but with 10x
more people. If I am being honest, I don't really think that the atmosphere was really conducive to meeting people and having a real conversation.........at least not for me. I am not knocking it because I had a good time and I got to enjoy some really nice eye candy but to be honest, that place isn't really my scene. I am much more of a bar/loungy type of guy than a dance club one.......seeing as I don't dance. It was a good experience tho for the most part...the drinks were good and relatively cheap (by NYC standards) the crowd was cool (albeit a bit young and twinky....not exactly my thing) and I had a couple of funny convos with some people while waiting for the bathroom (one with a Polish tourist about exchange rates and the drop in US currency and one with a girl whose boyfriend just broke up with her last night....so she goes out to a gay club to pick up guys? LOL...funny and interesting).

Anyways that was my weekend for the most part. I also picked up a pair of insane Mihara Yasuhiro Pumas yesterday from their Black Store in the Meatpacking District. They look like space shoes, I can't wait to wear them. The color (metallic silver) is totally over the top....even for me. HAHA! Hope everyone had a great weekend, ive got to do some laundry and homework before Brothers and Sisters tonight (the best drama on TV I don't care what you say JR!!)

I Feel Really Shitty.

Not physically.....physically I am great.

But emotionally speaking, I have just been feeling really horrible.

And the thing is, it so much more than dealing with my sexuality. I mean, I've come to terms with the fact that I am gay, and even though I really wish it wasn't the case for me.....I realize that there is nothing I can (or anyone else can) do about it. And that is...for the most part, OK.

I just don't understand why I have been in such a rut the past couple of days but I can't really seem to muster up the will to care about anything. I just don't care anymore.......and that is so out of character for me. I mean I go to class, participate and I still visit friends here in the city and do my everyday, normal things.....but for the most part I almost feel like I am watching myself do these things and not really engaging in them.

I just don't feel like I am really all here.

At first I thought it was because maybe I was getting homesick, but really.....I could care less about Florida. I mean, minus my parents, grandmother and like 5 close friends I don't really care about that place. Moreover, this isn't the first time I have been away from home for an extended period of time, I studied abroad in England for months......so this whole distance thing isn't new to me.

Then I was like, "well maybe it is school......maybe I am stressed out with classes." But you know what, that isn't it either. I am ok with my classes and minus a few hours of panic every Monday evening before Neuropsychology...I really don't feel that swamped with school.

Then I thought maybe it was work, but then I quickly dismissed that idea since....if we are being honest......work isn't really that difficult. I mean I basically sit in front of a computer 16 hours a week and just type. It isn't that big of a deal...and it shouldn't make me depressed.

So then I thought that perhaps the reason why I am so bummed out all the time is because I am lonely. And to be honest with you......I was up until about 4 the other night contemplating whether or not this was the case.

And you know what.....I don't that this is the reason either. I mean of course I don't have a boyfriend, and of course I am not in a relationship.....but again, this isn't anything new to me. I have never been in a relationship and I have no idea how it feels to be not alone. Hell, even growing up I was pretty much alone (save for my parents) so I am very used to this.

So basically, in all facets of my life...I am doing pretty much the same thing that I have always been doing but yet, I am starting to feel worse than I think I have ever felt before. I mean you wouldn't know it by looking at me because I make it a point not to put all my feelings on Front Street. I doubt that my family or friends have noticed a difference in me...I suppose I am just a really good actor, I dunno.

I don't even really know how to put my feelings into words...I just don't know. All I know is that I don't feel well and I have no idea how to go about changing it. Isn't this ironic coming from an individual who is a grad student in Psychology? Somehow I seem to be capable of helping everyone else with their emotional issues, but I have no idea how to deal with my own.

What is even worse is that if I was ever to speak to someone about whatever is going on in my head......I wouldn't even be able to verbalize what I am feeling because I don't even know myself. How horribly, horribly sad.

How Cute Is This?!?!?!!?

I ran across it and had to share....