Confessions On The Phone........

Ok, so it is Monday afternoon and I've had a chance to sit down and process everything and I am definitely feeling better....but still not all together 'back to normal'. It will take time I suppose....

Anyways...I realized that I did not give you guys the phone convo from Sunday morning....so here it goes.

PR Boy called be at about 2ish as I was almost finishing my previous post. This time around he was much more calm and it seemed as if he was slightly sobered up. He began the convo by telling me that he had just got off the phone with his ex girlfriend (who is still @ UF).

A little background, they went out for about 2 years during school..and broke up earlier this year when it became apparent that PR Boy was not going to stay in Florida. This came as a shock to EVERYONE because basically......we thought these two would eventually get married. I mean, they were THAT close and THAT perfect for each other.....there was no doubt in our minds that they would end up tying the knot.

PR Boy: Hey....what are you doing?
Me: Just sitting on the bed...staring into space....you?
PR Boy: I just got off the phone with "Jane"
Me: Whaaaa?
PR Boy: I needed to talk to her.
Me: What the fuck......what on earth did you talk to her about? YOU DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING ABOUT OUR CONVO EARLIER DID YOU?!!?!?!!?
PR Boy: Oh no no...I just really need to talk to her...we talked for two hours.....how are you holding up?

Aside #1: At this moment, it was obvious to me that he wasn't going to talk about what was said b/t him and his ex.....I just pray that they did NOT bring me up in their conversation. I mean, I am good friends with Jane and she isn't the type to spread gossip, but still....it freaks me out that he might have said something (even inadvertently). At the time tho, I just let that slide, because I had so many other things on my plate.

Me: I don't even know man.
PR Boy: Are you mad?
Me: {Long sigh} I dunno what I am feeling......just such a mix of emotions I am at a complete loss for words.
PR Boy: Honestly K..............I think that you are just making a bigger deal out of this than it really is, nothing has changed...and I don't think any less of you.

**** PUMP THE MOTHERFUCKING BRAKES PART II ****

Aside #2: At this moment I am thinking, " how dare you make light of what I am feeling right now!!!"

PR Boy: Dude, we both know about each other now..I mean I don't understand why you wouldn't be fucking ecstatic right now! You don't have to worry about watching yourself around me...you can totally be yourself.
Me: Yea I guess.......but I just really wasn't ready to say anything....and i dunno....I feel like you just dragged it out of me.
PR Boy: Are you serious right now?
Me: Yea, I kinda am.
PR Boy: Do you honestly believe that people don't know...or suspect?!?!?!
Me: Welllllll {cuts me off}
PR Boy: K........how long have we known each other? Dude, you were a pretty popular kid in High School and in college too....AND I HAVE NEVER ONCE SEEN YOU WITH A GIRL....EVER! Did you reallllly think that people couldn't but two and two together?
Me: Well....I mean....I dunno
PR Boy: I can literally start a list of girls who I know would have hooked up with you....you never made an effort to pursue any of them. Are you gonna honestly sit there and tell me that we didn't pick up on it?
Me: I dunno what to say.....
PR Boy: Never-mind the fact that you are like the trendiest guy that I know
Me: Huh?!?! What are you talking about? What does that have to do with anything!?!?!!?
PR Boy: Dude.........you are totally prissy.
Me: FUCK YOU!
PR Boy: {laughs} OKKKKKKK, OK..........but honestly K, do you really think all of your friends don't know?
Me: What do you mean...PEOPLE HAVE BEEN TALKING ABOUT ME?
PR Boy: Yea
Me: WHOOO?!?!!?
PR Boy: Dude, it doesn't matter ok...I mean I have had people ask me point blank if you were gay and I always told them that I didn't know...and even if you were it wouldn't matter....you are blowing this out of proportion...honestly nothing has changed.

Aside #2: Now I'm thinking "how can he sit there and tell me nothing has changed when it is basically apparent that for the past 7+ years....all then energy and and time I've spent trying to hide my secret was all a waste....at total and complete waste!" You mean to tell me that this has been pretty much an open secret? Now I know exactly what about 90% of you guys are thinking right now..." dude, this is great news....it is gonna make coming out to your friends so much easier because they basically already know."

While this may be true, and I do agree with it somewhat........it still makes me feel incredibly shitty. I mean here I am struggling in the closet, weaving intricate lies, backpedaling, obfuscating.......all to throw people off my path and this whole time I have been doing a shit ass job of it. Do you know how much time and energy this means I have wasted? You know how many friends I had to cut off because they got too close, and how many people I had to lie to? When you total it up...god knows how much more I could have achieved academically, socially, romantically and personally if I wasn't wasting all my time trying to hide my gayness when...according to PR Boy...I haven't really been fooling anyone.

PR Boy: I betcha Columbia Girl knows...or suspects
Me: What?!?
PR Boy: I bet if you told her she wouldn't be surprised....and I know she wouldn't care
Me: Wait.......have you talked to her about me?!?!
PR Boy: No no...but you know her..she'll be cool with it. You should tell her.
Me: To be honest...I was planning to tell her soon.
PR Boy: Oh yea?
Me: Yea, I was.
PR Boy: You see....you should do it....she will be cool with it
Me: I hope.
PR Boy: She will....JUST DON'T SAY ANYTHING ABOUT ME!
Me: Of course...I told you that you could trust me......I will not talk about you ever....I just hope you do the same.
PR Boy: You KNOW I wouldn't..we both have each other secrets now...I still don't get why you seem so upset
Me: I hope you don't slip when you are drunk.....you know how your are.
PR Boy: DUDE.....I WILL NOT!

Aside #3: I should take this time out to yet everyone know that PR Boy has been known to be a *slightly* belligerent drunk.I mean it is all cool, he is a real fun person to be around...drunk and sober...he is always making people laugh..but seriously...I have EXTREME RESERVATIONS about the safety of my secret (should I even call it that anymore?) while he is drunk. He just really makes me nervous.....I pray to god he doesn't slip....b/c I was not and still am not mentally prepared for everyone knowing that I am gay......even though it is apparent that everyone who is close to me pretty much already has a good idea.

Me: I just really hope I can hold you to that...because I am not ready for this at all...this is not how I had it planned.
PR Boy: Dude....you are in New York....and you are young....this is the time in your life when you need to go out and experiment and explore! Isn't that what you came up here for? To find yourself? I mean obviously you are here for your education too....I mean that is the primary reason...but didn't you just want to get away from all those people in Florida and just kinda surround yourself with your close friends here? I am telling you....all our close friends will not care...you just need to chill.

Aside #4: This comment brings up another issue that I have been having...I almost feel like the reason why he is being so nonchalant about the whole thing is because he is kinda looking at my situation through his eyes. What I mean by that is basically.....it seems that he thinks that this is just an experimental thing..and it's not! I mean I glad (sarcasm) that he can just kinda turn on and off the "gay" switch in his head at will...but that isn't something that I can do. He kept on talking about "experimenting" and "just having a good time" on and on throughout the whole conversation, and while this is all well and good...it is more than that for me. I get the feeling that he truly believes that this is just a phase...and that is why he cannot understand why I am making such a big deal over the situation...but it is something more fundamental to me and I really don't think that he is in a place to appreciate that fact.

Now it starts getting REALLY interesting (as if it hasn't been before).....

PR Boy: Dude...be happy...we can talk about guys now...and you don't have to worry.
Me: Yea I guess
PR Boy: So who do you think is hot?
Me: Huh?
PR Boy: Come on...who do you think is hot...like.....who would you hook up with if you had the chance?
Me: Dude....I don't even know...I can't even think about that right now...my mind is a complete blur....
PR Boy: I think (random H.S. & UF Alum that we saw at the bar) is sooo hot!
Me: Yea he is cute
PR Boy: I would totally hook up with him....he is hot.
Me: Heh....yea {insert nervous laugh}

Aside #5: Can I just that this time to let you know how incredibly awkward I was feeling that this point. I mean I boychat with you guys in the blogosphere.....and some of us have even talked on the phone about such and such....but that was TOTALLY DIFFERENT & SCARY. I mean.....you guys only know me as gay K (that rhymes) plus, we are all pretty much in the same boat....but with him....I just didn't feel comfortable engaging in that kind of conversation with him. It was surreal....as if I was watching a movie of myself on the phone with him and not actually there engaging in the conversation. Needless to say....after my first non-commital reply...he pressed a little further (which seemed to be on par with his actions the entire night)

PR Boy: So come on........of all the guys we know, who would you hook up with! Come on, you can tell me.
Me: Dude...I can't even think about that right now....my head is a mess and I am still trying to sort everything out that just happened.
PR Boy: What about Rocket Scientist?
Me: What about him?
PR Boy: Do you think he is hot?
Me: I mean.....he is attractive...but I can't even think of him like that...he is like a brother to me.
PR Boy: Dude....WTF...You are so Politically Correct!
Me: What...why? I just can't.
PR Boy: You know you'd fuck around with him...don't even lie.
Me: I wouldn't....he is extremely attractive...but he is a good friend..I just wouldn't!
PR Boy: Well I would....and I think you are a fucking liar.
Me: Whatever.
PR Boy: I think he is gay too
Me: WHAT!
PR Boy: He is totally gay....like there is no doubt {trails off} is he gay?
Me: Absolutely NOT!

Aside #6: At this point, I am feeling like Pete, in that now it seems as tho all my close friends are gay........supposedly. LOL! I should also say that apparently I should not be the one to talk to when it comes to determining who is gay/bi/bi-curious and who isn't...because I had NO IDEA about PR Guy....or the guys that he hooked up with in the frat (oh who he said btw....he ONLY hooked up with while he was drunk....convenient).

PR Boy: I totally get that vibe from him.
Me: Really {long pause} Naaaaa no way man.....he is totally straight.
PR Boy: But he has a lot of feminine qualities......I will bet money that he is gay.
Me: So what does that say? That doesn't mean that he is gay...plenty of guys have feminine qualities...you are ridiculous!
PR Boy: I can totally see you hooking up with him
Me: No way.......there is just no way!
PR Boy: You know you would...I don't know why you are being so PC...don't sit there and tell me that if he didn't make the moves on you...you wouldn't totally go for it. I've seen how close you guys are!
Me: WE ARE FRIENDS...WTF?!!?
PR Boy: Whatever.....you would totally fuck him...just be honest.
Me: You are crazy.
PR boy: Ok, if not him...then who....there has to be somebody that you would hook up with!

Aside #8: By this time, I have a pretty good idea of what his ultimate motivation was for THIS ENTIRE CONFRONTATIONAL NIGHT...which was of course.....to have someone to talk about guys with. I am not gonna lie, it will be nice (eventually) to be able to chat with him about such things...but honestly....I am really pissed that he felt the need to basically pull me out of the closet to make himself feel more comfortable. Obviously there is nothing that I can do about the situation right now...and for the most part I believe that I will look back and see this whole situation as a positive thing, but at the moment...I can't shake the bitter feeling of being totally used (to a point).

I kept on saying to myself how glad I was that I actually followed my instincts for at least one time that night....and didn't go home with him. Could you just imagine what would have happened? It would have been disastrous and ultimately 100x more confusing for everyone!

Me: Well, I always had a thing for (random H.S. basketball jock)
PR Boy: Well...obviously...come on that is a given! You are just throwing out people half-assed.
Me: Well my roommate from freshman year...I always thought he was super hot, and he always used to walk around naked....it made it difficult to concentrate.
PR Boy: OH YEA? Damnnn I remember him.....yea he is hot! Did you try anything?
Me: Of course not....are you crazy?
PR Boy: So wait, have you ever hooked up with a guy?
Me: Nope
PR Boy: Well damn.....that is what you are here in New York for man...you gotta just go out and live your life and try things out...fuck what other people say!

Aside #9: Again....a true statement...but do you really think it is appropriate to be coming from him....of all people? At this moment I was rolling my eyes because I thinking....here is a guy...who has been (for as long as I have known him) in two serious relationships....with girls......who have lasted about 4+ years in total....but yet he has been fucking guys in his frat and he is at the very least bi....and he is lecturing me about "living my life" and "not caring" about what other people say when CLEARLY he needs that advice as much (or even more) than me.

This highlights yet another thing that bothered me about the convo that night....in that he kept on talking to me as if he was the supportive, straight friend......when pretty much (if we are going by an operational definition) about 5x gayer than me.

P.S. He also admitted to me on the phone that he has hooked up with 5 guys in total...and not the original 3 that he told me before. He also amended his statement about actually enjoying the sex...by saying that he has done it with these guys more than once...and he has enjoyed it. I will leave you with that tid-bit of information to do what will with it....but I am pretty sure you can already guess how I feel about it.

Anyways we kept on talking and bullshitting about various random things and I eventually decided that it was time to go to bed (or attempt to at least) so I cut the convo short and said good night. I was happy that we ended it on better terms than he left me in the Subway...because that really freaked me out.

He called me Sunday morning at about 9AM to get me to do brunch with him. Dan says that this is evidence enough to say that he is totally gay...seeing as tho gay men love brunch. LMFAO! I can tell you...I have never done brunch, so I dunno where that leaves me in the mix...I question the validity of that statement.......HAHAHA!

Anyways I told him I couldn't get out of bed because I didn't sleep well that night (obviously) and I was tired. We made plans to hang out sometime this week. Today is Columbia Girl's birthday...so I am sure I will see him at dinner. I will keep you updated on what happened...hopefully no more high drama...im so spent. I also hope it isn't weird between us now...seeing as tho this will be the first time I have seen him in person since the ordeal. Hopefully we will manage....I am gonna do my part and pretend that nothing happened..and nothing has changed. Let's see how that works out for me.

Oh BTW...I just realized that I reached my 50th post, what a milestone! I want to thank everyone who has stuck with me since the summer and everyone who has dropped in ever since. It means a lot that you guys actually take the time out of your life to read my blog and leave me comments. when I first got dragged into the blogging world, I really didn't think much of it...and I pretty much thought that my blog would be something that I dabbled with on occasion, but never fully integrate into my life.

Now, I cannot even imagine my life without it. I have met so many great guys though this blog and I can't imagine myself without having this support system now....thanks so much for everything.

(I think I have totally reached my emotional quota for the month..LOL!)