Tuesday, April 29, 2008

Perhaps I Need To Start Watching "The Real World" Again

So season 3,456 of the Real World is currently airing and it looks like it might be the hottest assemblage of guys in the history of the show.....

Usually there is like one stand out guy per season that just makes your jaw drop, but this time around, they are all uniformly hot in my opinion. Too bad none of them are gay (that we know of).

Anywho, so Dave's sexy ass was on display the other night and I just thought I should share. Check out the video.

(NSFW obvs, unless you work at Sean Cody or something....in which case, sign this boy ASAP!!!!!!)

Pretty nice tush, you've gotta admit :)

Wednesday, April 23, 2008

If You Need A Laugh, Read This......

Ugh, its like 12:30 and I swear I am still drunk from last night's B Bar festivities. How responsible am I? I have a 15 page Developmental Psych paper due tomorrow and I only have 4 pages done. Goo me!


Anyways, so I was checking my mail this morning (I suppose it is actually afternoon) and I ran across the most hilarious email from my homeboy that I just have to share. Everyone knows that the missed connection section of Craigslist brings the LOL's better than almost any other website out there. I present you with THE MOST AMAZING HUMAN BEING EVER.......

Date: 2008-04-20, 3:31AM EDT

"You, caucasian, female, early to mid twenties, were standing on the Brooklyn-bound N/Q/R platform at the Canal Street stop at around 2:20 AM late Saturday night. I was on the N train that pulled up alongside you. I am sure you remember me. I was the guy stuck in between two cars, the doors of which became hopelessly jammed after I passed through one. Yes, that guy: the one you made eye contact with, and then quickly looked away from. You may recall how I tried to get your attention by addressing you directly and politely, asking if you would please notify the conductor, perhaps ask him if he could unlock such door. But, no, you steadfastly looked away. It was only after I began calling you out by what you were wearing that you looked at me again, and when I asked if you'd assist, you shook your head, clearly and calmly, 'no.' When I subsequently remarked that you were an asshole, you nodded, equally calmly. If you are wondering why I spat at you as the train pulled away, it was only because I was tired of being trapped underground between two cars, and was really hoping to have gotten inside the train before it crossed over the Manhattan Bridge, which, of course, it then did. That part of the journey was even somewhat lovely. Don't worry, when all attempts by people inside either car to open either door failed, I kicked in a window and found a seat. But then, you obviously were not worried. I would like to meet you, if only to get a sense of where your unsparing indifference seeps from. I give you my every assurance that I will not punch you in the throat repeatedly. Do write back."


I swear I thought I was gonna choke on my own tongue....I was laughing so fucking hard!

Who would do such a thing?

Friday, April 18, 2008

An Open Letter To White People.....

Dear White People,

I love all you guys soooooo much...but it is high time we have a sit down conversation (pats seat next to me). You see bb's.....I've noticed a disturbing trend that really, really needs to be nipped in the bud like yesterday.

Please, allow me to be the first to let you know that.......ALL BLACK PEOPLE DO NOT LOOK THE SAME!!!!!!!!!

I repeat.......


I know, I know, it is a shocker!!!!

Because of this, I will definitely give you some time to process it. But please....now that you have been put on notice, I expect that you take care to properly identify the correct African American/African/Afro-Caribbean/Black person when you are prompted to do so....lest you embarrass yourself in public and make an ass out of yourself for being so ridiculous.

Thank you so very, very much.


Your Token Black Friend


So with that out of the way, let's discuss what happened to me at work today. I had the horrible misfortune of working at our flagship store on 5th Avenue this afternoon. They were severely understaffed and our SoHo location had enough people for the day so I was sent over to help out.

Now y'all should know that the store on 5th is ridiculously enormous and always packed to the brim with Upper East Side mom's who are utterly helpless and totally over-demanding. Anywho.....let's discuss one in particular....

I'm gonna call her "Sheila"....because that name has always grated on my nerves so it would be absolutely fitting for this heffa.

So, I'm working one of the registers, ringing up a customer and my co-worker (let's call her Cindy) started ringing up Shelia next to me. Now, I was focusing on my customer so I wasn't paying Shelia much attention....I mean, her hair was kinda ratty as if she hadn't combed it this morning, but that might have just been the "boho sheik" look that she saw in her US Weekly mag and decided would be cute. What really caught my attention however (as I was folding a shirt) was when I saw her pointing to me out of the corner of my eye. Obviously I focused my attention on what was going on between Cindy and Shelia and I hear Cindy say......

Cindy: I'm sorry, who helped you?
Shelia: Oh he did (dismissively pointing as she rummages thru her purse)
Cindy: Oh, it couldn't have been K, he has been at the register all afternoon. It must have been someone else.....
Shelia: Oh no, I'm pretty sure it was him.
Me: Haha, I appreciate the credit for the sale, but it wasn't me ma'am
Shelia: Oh..... (vacant stare)

Voice from the corner: "It was me." (We all turn around)

Before I even turned around, I just KNEW it was gonna be another black guy that she was talking about.

AND LOOKY HERE...the voice that we heard was coming from none other than a black associate who looked suspiciously.......NOT LIKE ME AT ALL!!!!!!!!

Now guys, I wasn't upset at all. I mean, this happens to me all the time....so I learn to laugh off lil' silly slights like this and just chalk it up to whatever. But then...........the bitch REALLY DONE TOOK IT TO THE NEXT LEVEL Y'ALL!!!!

Sheila: (waves hands as if swatting a fly) HAHA, that's alright.....YOU GUYS ALL KINDA LOOK THE SAME WAY ANYWAYS..........

Cindy: (nervous laugh....looks at me) Uhhhhhh...
Me: (narrows eyes questioningly and tilts head to the side) You Guys?!?!?
Shelia: (looks at my face, slowly recognizes the implication of her last statement and subsequently gets red and flustered)
Me: (purses lip and waits for a GOOD response)
Shelia: Ummm, ummm, well, ahhh......YOU GUYS ARE WEARING THE SAME EXACT THING, IT'S KINDA CONFUSING!!!!!! (nervous laugh)
Me: HAHA...well we have uniforms ma'am....we all are kinda wearing the same thing (knowing laugh)
Shelia: Oh, I guess your right. (a look of deflation crosses her face as she realizes that her seeming clever attempt to cover up her ignorant gaffe doesn't work)

So, seeing as tho I was sufficiently pleased that I brought her ignorant statement to her attention, I picked some items that needed to go downstairs, cocked my head to the side, smiled at her (insincerely of course), and said.....

Me: "I hope you enjoy the rest of your day....the weather is sooo great outside!"

And then I walked off

Poor thing, she was so confused...she just looked at me embarrassingly.....very much like when little children soil their clothes and they look at you to clean them up but they can't bring themselves to say sorry, or much less anything else, so they just look at you and hope that you forgive them and help em out........


I know some less cynical people out there might be reading this and saying to themselves, "well K, perhaps when she said you people she was really just referring to the employees of the store." Um yea.....as convenient a cop out as this sounds, I really don't think that is what she meant by her statement. Not only did she insist that it was me at first (even after Cindy TOLD her I was behind the register the entire time) she was visibly flustered and embarrassed after I asked her to clarify her "you people" statement. And then there was the whole follow-up conversation about our uniforms, which I believe further proves my point. Now of course no one will ever be able to prove exactly what she meant when she said that, as your own personal thoughts are.....personal. But as far as I am concerned, her reaction indicates that she realized what she said, recognized the negative implications of said statement and is throughly shamed for showing her ass in such a horribly ignorant fashion.

This whole incident brought back undergraduate memories for me as well. At UF I was a sociology minor and I remember my one of my social theory professors talking extensively about the cross-race effect. This is a phenomenon wherein people of one race can more easily distinguish between people of their own race than people of other races. In other words, if you are white, it is easier to tell the difference between other white people than it is to tell the difference between other black people or other Asian people or hispanic people...etc etc.

Curiously, research has shown that, in general, White people demonstrate a larger cross-race effect than Black people with respect to measures of discrimination accuracy, and "majority group" individuals demonstrate a more robust cross-race effect than "minority group" individuals (see above link for article).

Also check out this study conducted with hispanic participants.

So basically, research suggests that this lady just couldn't help herself.


I for one totally believe that there is much truth in CRE's, although I don't find it true for me at all. White people look totally different to me and I can easily discern between individuals. Same goes for Blacks, Asians, Hispanics and basically every other racial/ethnic group on this planet. LOLOL! I do not understand why some people find it so difficult.

The research is as interesting as it is disturbing. Personally, I think this should be required reading across the board. If we are gonna tackle racism and prejudice in society, we are really going to have to face it head on and realize that even on a subconscious level, we harbor all this shit.

Anyways, I'll get off my soapbox now. To be honest, the situation in the store wasn't that big of a deal...I'm just using it to illustrate a problem that I've seen in society since......well since forever. LOL!


Monday, April 14, 2008

Grams Is At It Again With The Jokes....

We have already established that my Grams is a joker....and the old lady is at it again! This time the conversation centered around that trans chick who is having a baby.

(I know that I should probably be referring to her as a man seeing as tho that is what her legal status is and that is what she ultimately identifies with but come on.......she's got a womb, how can she be a man...confusing!)

Anywho, I was talking to Granny on the phone and she brought it up out of the blue.....

Granny: Hey, you heard about that man who is pregnant?

Me: Well ya...but I think the media is really sensationalizing it because technically she isn't a man. Those headlines are really misleading.

Granny: Looorrrrd, what is the world coming to? Sodom and Gomorra I tell you baby!

Me: Ha....yea I guess.

Granny: Back it my day...stuff like this aint happen! People are crazy!

Me: I know, right?

Granny: I came home and I turned on Oprah...cuz you know I have to get my Oprah every day...and I saw him on it and your Granny got so confused. I didn't know what the hell this fool was talking bout!

Me: Awwww....sorry.

Granny: Since when can men get pregnant? Shoooot!

Me: HAHA! Well Granny, she still has all her parts...so as far as I am concerned, she is still a woman.

Granny: Well whatever.....that shit is crazy! How she expect to really become a man though? They just gonna get some willy and sew it on or sumthin?


Granny: Well I'm just saying though....how you gonna be a man without a penis?

Me: Granny....you crazy! You need to stop.

Granny: HAHA....Granny calls it how she sees it baby! I guess the gal is gonna have to get one dem plastic ones or something.


Granny: Boyyyyy listen, you remember Irine? (Some lady she plays Bridge with)

Me: Ya...

Grany: Boy let me tell you....she done told me some STUFF!

Me: Oh god...im so done with this conversation...new topic, new topic!

Granny: Wait lil bit....wait lil bit...it's not about her boy!

Me: Oh....but still....

Granny: (hisses teeth) You know she told me that her daughter caught her lil granbaby with one in her dresser.




Granny: Na baby....she said that they had to ground her ol' fast self! AT SIXTEEN.....AIN'T THAT SUMTHIN?


Granny: Where she getting one of dem at 16? HUH?!?!?! These lil' girls to damn fast these days...shoot!

Me: Well that's crazy....but its better that than the real thing......and then gettin pregnant at 16.

Granny: No tellin baby, no tellin......lord these children too damn wild.

Me: It happens Grams....what are you gonna do, ya know?

Granny: hmmmmmmmmmmhmm

So the convo shifted to some other more mundane family topics but seriously....how outta control is my 82 year old Grandmother? HAHA, she is such a trip!

Dude, I've been laughing all day because I was thinking to myself...."how badly would she trip out if she heard that my mother found a dildo in my closet?!?!?!?!?!"


Not that I own one (seriously) or have ever (I'M SERIOUS!) but wouldn't that be the most hilarious thing?

In actuality, it wouldn't be that funny because I am 100% sure that it would give Grams a heart attack...sigh.

She is one person that I am 100% positive that I will never ever come out to.....EVER! I really don't want her to find out because I seriously don't think she would EVER be able to handle it.

Ah well...such is life.

Sunday, April 13, 2008

And I Thought I Was Plastered Tonight..........

So, I got shitfaced with Jay tonight.....but clearly not as much as this guy........

I shit you not.......when I got on the 4 train (at like 3:50 this morning), this guy was lying like that.

Everyone who got on the train cracked up......and some lil girl tried to take his wallet. She kicked him too....and he didn't move.

Mad funny......I had to take a picture!


Clearly this guy had a rough night.

Wednesday, April 2, 2008

Bitches Making History In This Piece!

Two leading ladies, Mariah Carey and Madonna, leapfrog over Elvis Presley in the Billboard charts record book this week.

As expected, Mariah Carey moves past Elvis Presley and into sole possession of second place for most No. 1s in the rock era, as "Touch My Body" soars 15-1 on the Billboard Hot 100 to become her 18th chart-topper. With her album "E=MC2" yet to hit retail, Carey might equal the Beatles' record of 20 No. 1s before her set runs its course.

"Body's" blast to No. 1 is fueled by a record-setting debut week digital tally of 286,000 downloads. That sum, good enough for the No. 1 slot on Hot Digital Songs, surpasses the 277,000 downloads labelmate Rihanna opened with in the June 9, 2007, issue with her summer smash "Umbrella."

Presley will also be nudged from his standing as the artist with the most top 10s in the rock era, as Madonna surpasses him with her 37th top 10, "4 Minutes." The track, which features Justin Timberlake, clocks a 68-3 jump. Previous to the establishment of the Billboard Hot 100 in 1958, the industry standard chart was the Best Sellers in Stores tally, where Presley scored his first 12 top 10s.

Like Carey's "Touch," Madonna's Hot 100 jump is spurred by stupendous download sales. "4 Minutes" shifts 217,000 in its first week of wide release (it had been available as a Verizon exclusive) to enter Hot Digital Songs at No. 2.

This is the first time since Nielsen SoundScan began tracking digital sales in 2003 that two titles debut simultaneously on Hot Digital Songs with more than 200,000 downloads each. The week also marks the best single-week digital tally in either artist's career.


I was very excited to read this, gotta love Mariah! I've gotta say I could give 2 shits about Madonna because I think she is a dusty ol' trick and her music does nothing for me, however congrats to her worn-out ass too.

I am so excited for April 15th when E=MC2 drops....I am actually going to Virgin to pick that shit up. I hope it has a poster of her airbrushed ass in it too...because it is going up on my wall like a good lil' mo!


Ok, I'm Back....Sorta

So, I've been a pretty shitty blogger as of late. I just had a bunch of things I had to take care of with school and life after I got back from Spring Break. I did not have a chance to sit down, catch my breath and blog....obviously you guys will forgive me. HAHA!

Anywho, as for my LA recap that I said was coming.....I kinda lied.


Um, there really isn't much to say. I met all the bloggers and they are all pretty much lived up to expectations. We went out pretty much every night....drank, socialized and had a great time. As for getting jiggy wit it, I actually didn't meet anyone while I was out there. I suppose that is kinda a bummer....but in reality I wasn't even really trying to, I had a good enough time hanging out with the boys!

As for school....blah!


It is just a lot flying at me at once.....nothing I can't handle, but it is irritating none the less. I think that you guys are definitely gonna be seeing a lot less of me around here for a while. Not to fret, if something monumental happens in my life (extremely doubtful) I will make sure to let you guys know what is going down!

As for work.....stories, stories, stories!

My new store manager (who honestly attempts to channel Karl Lagerfeld's look and personality in the store) has hired a brand new crop of retail whores to man the racks. I like all but one of them (we will get to that silly bitch later), but lets start on the one that I am kinda crushing on at the moment.

So this guy.....it is one of the guys who just kinda creep up on you. Like....you notice them at first but you really don't 'notice' them. Ya know what I'm talking about? It is kinda like that scruffy kid that everyone had in the back of their class who you probably wouldn't take a second look at if you passed him on the street but by virtue of seeing him almost every day, you start to realize that his oversized shirt is hiding a pretty banging body and that 'I don't care' haircut is obscuring a totally cute face......

Anywho...that is basically this kid (minus the oversized clothes and scruffy haircut....we have a dress code LOL!)

His name is _________ (you like that Kelly?) and he is from New Jersey. He is Asian (Korean I believe) and he has a really nice smile and a flawless complexion. He's over 6 feet tall...perhaps 6'1-6'2ish and to top it off, he looks like he has a ridiculously nice body. _________ used to work at Abercrombie before he started at our store 3 weeks ago....so if there is any question as to whether or not this kat is attractive you can kinda leave it at the door because YOU KNOW that Abercrombie does NOT hire ugly people.


Anyways, he is a really sweet and affable guy and it is great to work the floor with him because he is always laughing/smiling. So now you must be asking yourself "omg K, what the fuck is the problem...go for it!"

Welllllll here's the thing.........98% sure that he is straight.


I know, I know...here we go again. K runs across some guy, gets interested....only to find out that he is straight and totally unavailable. UGH! Is this not the story of my life folks? Whatever....the jury is still out on him. I cannot be absolutely sure that he doesn't play for our team but to be honest...he does not set off my gaydar one bit.

Anyways, lets get to this new bitch that I brought up earlier. We will refer to her now and forever as 'Lucy Booo' because she looks like Lucy Liu and I cannot stand her...hence the 'Boooo'. (you know I'm hella clever...don't even front LOL!)

Anywho, this lil' girl really must really want to catch an elbow to her jaw because she has been tryin' me since she got here...the snide bitch.

I already can see that she is gonna be one of those dumbass co-workers who just live to gossip and drum up shit, here's one example of how I know....

Last week we were both in men's and it was kinda dead so we were chatting. The conversation is as follows....

Lucy Boo: Repeat what you just said.
Me: (Repeated some random fact about the store)
Lucy Boo: Your voice sounds normal to me (kinda said to herself and not directed to me)
Me: Come again?
Lucy Boo: Ohh.......Well, Nancy (not her real name) said that you sound like the typical New York fa....I mean gay person. I don't see what she is talking about tho....you sound straight.....like your voice sounds like a straight guy's. Hehe!
Me: Ummmm what?
Lucy Boo: (nervous laugh) Ummmm, it is nothing...forget I said anything.
Me: Do you realize how dumb your last comments sounded? What does a typical New York fag...since that was the word you were gonna use and conveniently stopped...sound like? Even better, what does a typical gay person sound like? Not everyone fits into these cookie cutter stereotypes that you have made up...
Lucy Boo: Haha...I'm sorry. (throws hands up in mock horror) geeze...you are so sensitive..it isn't a big deal.
Me: Why are you even participating in such a conversation with Nancy? You've been here for like what...a week? Don't you know how this makes you look?
Lucy Boo: Wow....I can see that I'm not gonna be able to joke around with you.
Me: What part of your previous comment was funny?
Lucy Boo: Forget I said anything. I was actually trying to give you a complement....too bad you can't see that.
Me: You just told me that I do not sound like a typical fag....and I should take this as a complement how exactly?
Lucy Boo: Well yea....you sound normal....like a normal guy. You should be happy with that. I wouldn't have known you were gay if others handn't told me.
Me: Ummm you've been asking around?
Lucy Boo: Yea...I like to know who I am working with.
Me: HAHA...see now THAT IS FUNNY! How is that even on the top of things to know about your co-workers?
Lucy Boo: Well don't you want to know more about the people who your working with?
Me: Ummm ya....but who their are sleeping with is not THE FIRST THING I WANNA KNOW
Lucy Boo: HAHA...well whatever I like to be in the know...not gonna lie.
Me: You like to gossip is more like it.
Lucy Boo: It's all one in the same...you know how it is...don't even pretend not to participate in it. (rolls eyes)
Me: I'm gonna go check the fitting rooms.....go talk to that customer or something.
Lucy Boo: Catty...
Me: (Gives her "The Face")

I want you guys to know that every word that comes out of this heffa's mouth is dripping with condescension. Like, I think she honestly believes that she is the hottest and most fabulous thing walking the planet. She is absolutely incapable of talking to anyone (EVEN CUSTOMERS) in a non-patronizing manner. Moreover, it is clear by the previous conversation (and other things that I have overhead her say) that she is gonna be a major, MAJOR gossiper. I know that many of you might be thinking that I may have misplaced my anger by not focusing it on "Nancy" but in reality we already know each other and I already know she is a bitch so her comments to Lucy don't really shock or bother me. We have an understanding and I know that she is gonna talk shit so it is whatever.

Lucy Boo however really shouldn't be so stupid as to drum up shit, especially as a newcomer to the store. If someone told you something like that would you go back to the person that they were criticizing and tell them what they said? Like, could this bitch be anymore dumb? And on top of it she tries to justify the comments. Ugh, she really better not catch me on the wrong day because I might have to tell her to come meet me out back.....

Let's take a moment to hold hands and have a prayer circle for me......

"Dear Lord...please keep K calm and keep Lucy Boo's mouth shut so he isn't forced to retaliate, bust her lip up, and subsequently get arrested...in your holy name we pray....AMEN"


Ok, in other news, yesterday I hung out with Jay and we went to see the movie Shelter. It was a good movie and I really enjoyed it. It was well acted for the most part and the production value was pretty high for an independent movie. I would recommend it...probably when it comes out on Netflix though as it isn't one of those movies that is a MUST SEE in the actual theater.

I will not ruin it but there are a couple of funny one-liners in this movie that I am totally adding to my repertoire. Overall it was a good lil' flick...with tons of eye candy. You'll like it I'm sure!

We went out for dinner and drinks afterwards in Chelsea and had a pretty fun night. I met...I shit you not....gay German twins in Barracuda. I dunno what is up with me, Germans and Barracuda...but if you remember back to December....that was definitely the place I met German Boy for the first time. Don't worry, nothing scandalous went down, although they were both really cute (the younger one more so....even know they were identical).

They are on vacation with their other friend (who Jay chatted up most of the time). They were really pleasant and sweet and it was nice getting to chat with them that evening.

I know some of you are gonna be upset because I didn't convert the whole 'Twin Fantasy' thing into reality...but you know K has got to keep it classy! Oh wells.....they will be here until Thursday night....so anyone in the NYC area who wants to tap those asses...you better get a move on STAT!

Night Night fellas!