::: BREAKING NEWS :::

THIS JUST IN.....

MR. ELEVATOR IS STRAIGHT.

I REPEAT.....

MR. ELEVATOR IS STRAIGHT.

How do I know?

Well, it says so on his Facebook profile (we're now friends on it). In addition, his wall is filled with women leaving bunches of lovey dovey messages....blah blah blah...he's probably fucked them.

(rolls eyes)

Other things I've gleaned from his profile...

He was a model back Australia and 1/2 his portfolio is up on his page.

He is a HUGE Aussie Rules Football fan.

He is extremely well travelled (He's been to every continent on the planet)

I cannot even tell you how disappointed I am...mostly at myself to be honest. How is it that I managed to get fixated on the ONE STRAIGHT MAN IN NYC?

Seriously....

There are so many gay guys in the city....and good looking ones too...and yet I've decided that I want this unattainable guy. I am so self-destructive. What is even more pathetic is that when I was checking out his profile this morning I was like, "K....maybe he isn't straight....maybe he is just in the closet...kinda like you...ya know?" I suppose the reason I thought this was because my own Facebook profile still says that I am interested in women even though we all know that couldn't be further from the truth.

LOL!

Now, I would have changed it a long time ago but the thing is that I made the profile back in '03 and I haven't updated since '05. In addition I've got a shit ton of cousins, godbrothers/sisters and other family members who are on it. If I change my orientation on it now...or even make it so it is blank, that will totally clue everyone in and at the very least there will be whispers about what is going on with me. I really do not want to come out through Facebook for obvious reasons. I want to have control over who I tell and how. That is why I've left it unchanged for so long.....

So I was left wondering whether or not Mr. Elevator was in the same predicament as me. What if he really isn't straight and he just has his profile set up that way for whatever reason? Because to be honest, in our real life interactions....I get a totally ambiguous vibe from him.

And I don't think it is just me projecting at all.

He has complemented me on my outfits before. It wasn't anything specific like "OMG I love those Prada shoes" (this would absolutely be gay) but it really isn't standard for a straight guy to go out of his way to tell you that you look "really nice tonight" (he has actually said this to me before in the elevator).

But then again, Jay and I where talking about this the other day....you cannot really use the same criteria that you'd use to judge North American men and apply it to European men (or in this case, Australian men). I find that foreign men totally throw my gaydar off because the little tell-tale signs that you'd usually pick up in gay or questionable NA men are present in a lot of foreign guys (especially Europeans).

The trendy dress, the extra touchy feely-ness, the sexual openness.

These are all traits that you would kinda associate with someone who plays for our team. Now granted this is a huge generalization so don't beat me up for it, but you kinda get where I am going.

I suppose the only way I ever really know for certain is if I just straight up come out and ask him. I'm sure I can find a way to do this subtly, but it is gonna take a crazy amount of maneuvering to make it happen. The whole thing seems so futile to me....I really should focus my energy on finding a guy who is actually available instead of trying to find out what team this sexually ambiguous Aussie plays for......GRRRRRRR!

It's hard though because I see him at least once a day and most of the time when I do....he is dressed in the skimpiest gym attire. How on Earth can I be expected to concentrate when his goodies are being paraded in front of me every day?

It just isn't right......God stop taunting me!

You Are So Ridiculous...And I Love You For It

She is damn near 40 and still galavanting around in mini-skirts and school girl outfits like she is 18.

Mariah....I love the fact that you don't give a fuck and you clearly don't take yourself seriously.

Because there is just no way you could be serious with this video....I LOL'ed so hard!

When I Am Rich......

These are pics of the new 2009 Maserati GranTurismo S, which will be unveiled next week at the Geneva Motor Show. Apparently this baby is gonna have a 4.7 liter V8 and around 440 hp. How badass does this look?

Especially in black...OMG!

If I ever needed another incentive to continue doing well in school.....

LOL!

So I Came Out Tonight....

It was cool....

It was painless....

And I am really happy about it...

Ok, storytime.....

So last week I got this really weird call from an unknown phone number with my old area code. I figured it was someone who I used to talk to, but had lost the number for. I just let it go to voicemail like I usually do with unknown numbers...as I make it a point to never pick them up...curiosity be damned. I figured that if it is really something important then that individual will just leave me a message.....

Well to my surprise, the mystery person left a voicemail and it turned out to be one of my best friends from HS! We were in student government together and she was always my favorite senator. We used to RUN SHIT back in the day, no joke! Anyways...we kept relatively close after graduation but she went to Michigan while I went to UF and we only really saw each other during Winter Breaks and such.

Anyways, she called me to tell me that she was moving to NYC this week to try her hand at Broadway and I seriously couldn't have been more excited. Honestly...next to Columbia Girl (who she is actually really good friends with as well) she is pretty much one of the coolest chicks I know. A totally genuine person, I knew that she wouldn't have a problem with me being gay. She is super liberal, open-minded...and cool with just about anything. I called Columbia Girl last week to tell her that (let's call her Miss Michigan) was moving into town and she flipped her wig. She immediately told me that I should come out to her because she would be so cool with it and I totally co-signed.

So tonight we all meet up for dinner and did the whole "3+ year" catching up thing. It was fun to hear what new and exciting things were going on in her life and it was also great to hear how well her brothers and sisters were doing for themselves. Finally, she turned to me and Columbia Girl and asked us the inevitable question everyone asks when they are catching up with someone they haven't seen in ages......"soooo how are your love lives going...anyone special that I should know about?!?!"

Me and Columbia Girl just looked at each other and started cracking up. This left Miss Michigan understandably confused...and that's when the real hilarity ensued......

Miss Michigan: OMG what is so funny? Did I miss something?
Me & Columbia Girl: HAHAHA....no, no, no it is nothing
Miss Michigan: NOOO WAYY...It is something alright.....OMG ARE U GUYS DATING?!?!?!
Me & Columbia Girl: {insert wild cackling}
Miss Michigan: OMG YOU TOO ARE TOTALLY SHACKING UP!
Me: Oh no...nothing could be further from the truth bb
Columbia Girl: She thinks we are hittin it....LOL!!!!!
Me: LMFAO!
Miss Michigan: OMG GUYS...WHATS GOING ON?!?!?!?
Columbia Girl: There is no one in my love life hun.
Me: Yea....me either
Miss Michigan: LIARS!
Columbia Girl: {looks over to me} GO 'HEAD...Tell her about the Aussie!

Aside: "The Aussie" and Mr. Elevator are one in the same. Columbia Girl likes to refer to him as that since I told her the story about him.

Me: LOL! That doesn't count...he is so random...way to stir shit up!
Columbia Girl: {giggling}
Miss Michigan: Who is the Aussie?
Me: Wellllllllllllll, he is this guy that we aren't too sure about. He is kinda ambiguous.

~ 5 second delay ~

Miss Michigan: Wait what.....I don't get it
Me: Let it marinate in your head for a second.....
Columbia Girl: {giggles} OMG, It is gonna hit her like a ton of bricks...
Miss Michigan: What is gonna hit me? Why can't I be in on this joke....gosh!
Me: It's totally gonna make sense in a second....just let it simmer.
Miss Michigan: What are you talki........Wait, did you say HE?
Columbia Girl: Here she goes......
Me: HEHE
Miss Michigan: Wait Wait Wait Wait....you said he right....{turns to Columbia Girl} he said he right?
Columbia Girl: Yup!
Miss Michigan: So wait....you're gay?
Me: {nods}
Miss Michigan: Oh wowwwwwwwwww
Columbia Girl: Be thankful, you are like only the second or so to know!
Miss Michigan: Seriously?
Me: Yep...I'm not really out yet.
Miss Michigan: OMG WOW....THAT'S CRAZY!
Me: Kinda...I guess....I'm kinda used to it though
Miss Michigan: You mean....this whole time....that I've known you?
Me: Yeap.....I've always known.....just started being honest with it
Miss Michigan: OMG WELL CONGRATS....GOOD FOR YOU!
Columbia Girl: I KNOW RIGHT?
Me: HAHA
Miss Michigan: K, if you're happy then I'm happy!
Me: I am...I am
Miss Michigan: OMG! {clasps hands} SHUT UP....YOU'RE GAY?!?!
Me: Well I dunno if I am "that Gay" LMAO!
Columbia Girl: HAHAHAHA
Miss Michigan: This totally doesn't change a thing....we can all go out in the city looking for men now!
Columbia Girl: THAT'S WHAT I SAID!
Me: I am putting you girls to W-O-R-K!
Miss Michigan: I'm So there...and don't worry, you're secret is safe with me!
Me: I know...I hope so
Miss Michigan: OMG...NO QUESTION...I would never!
Me: Better not....if all South Florida finds out I'll know it was you because she aint talking {points to Columbia Girl}
Columbia Girl: She's cool with it man...no worries!
Miss Michigan: Absolutely no worries over here friend!
Me: Cool, Cool
Columbia Girl: So did you ever think?
Miss Michigan: I HAD NO IDEA....I NEVER EVEN IMAGINED
Me: Really?
Miss Michigan: Seriously....there are so many other guys I would have picked before you.....you have NO IDEA.
Me: Seriously?
Miss Michigan: I mean....I just though you were just the typical metro kinda guy
Columbia Girl: OMG THAT IS EXACTLY WHAT I SAID WHEN HE TOLD ME!
Miss Michigan: YOU KNOW! Now that I think about it.....I guess I should have wondered....
Me: Looks like this is becoming a theme....
Miss Michigan: I could just have bad gaydar tho....I fell for a gay guy in London.....I thought he was just really ~*EURO*~
Me: LOLOLOLOL...you're ridiculous!
Columbia Girl: HAHA
Me: We will help each other with our gaydars...don't worry bb!
Miss Michigan: OMG how much more fun are we gonna have now? We are totally going out!
Columbia Girl: I'm so there!
Me: Score!

So this went on for a while longer. We talked about a bunch more stuff like coming out to the parents and dating....typical Q&A session that most of us are familiar with now. She even joked a bit that now she wouldn't be able to fulfill her dream of marrying me and having a bunch of beautiful mixed bb's...LOL! All and all it was really relieving to know that I've got another supportive person in my corner. I am definitely happy that it worked out so well and I don't anticipate any problems with her...she is totally a cool chick and she will make another great addition to my growing entourage...LMFAO!

Now if I could only find the nerve to tell my straight guy friends....that would be grand! For whatever reason, it always seems harder to tell a guy that your gay than a girl. Although if you think about it, if they are really and truly your good friends, it shouldn't make a difference.

In due time....baby steps...

I Want Janice's Job...STAT! (NSFW)

I know this show is staged, but I love watching it regardless....

Hottest guys of LIFE I tell you!



Oh, Dominic.....don't worry bb!

That old guy wishes he looked like you, he is just jealous...don't listen to him.

Come over here, i'll console you...mmkay?

Who's your favorite?

(P.S. How is Chris Jones a model? Kinda meh IMHO)

An Epiphany.....

You know what, I was watching Regis and Kelly this morning and I was lucky enough to catch Ryan Reynolds promoting his new movie Definitely, Maybe.



While watching the segment, I came to the stunning realization that he just might be the most perfect guy ever.



Now granted, he has always been towards the top of my list of "guys I would most like to get jiggy with" but for whatever reason...today something clicked in my head and I was there on my bed totally transfixed....



Aside from the obvious fact that he is absolutely gorgeous, he seems so down to earth and unfazed about it. It is so very rare that you find a really good looking guy who doesn't seem to realize that he is stunning....and Ryan definitely gives off that impression.

Now I dunno if this is his act....because after all, he is an actor (LOL) but something tells me that in real life he is a really down to earth guy...and I find that so incredibly attractive.



Not only does he have the look and attitude in spades but he is seriously like one of the most hilarious people ever. He always has something witty and sarcastic to say. I cannot imagine that anyone would ever be bored with him around....

If I had to pick qualities that I would want in a perfect boyfriend...Ryan would definitely have most of them. He is tall, hot, hilarious, down-to-earth, talented, and he seems to really be a genuinely pleasant person.

AND HE IS CANADIAN....as if he could get any better!!!!!

Dammit Ryan....why aren't you gay?



(As if I would have a chance either way....still nice to dream tho)

I'm So Disappointed....

So, anyone following the various ballot initiatives that are going down around the country will no doubt be familiar with the constitutional amendment to ban gay marriage in my home state of Florida.

Extremely disappointed...I cannot even tell you!

But just when I thought it couldn't get any worse, I run across this gem on Towleroad this afternoon. Basically a group called KnowThyNeighbor has complied a list of the 600,000+ people who signed off to get this measure put on the ballot.

I am torn as to whether or not I am happy that they did this.

On one hand you can totally identify all the misinformed bigots around you.

On the other hand, it is bound to get you totally upset!

Morbid curiosity compelled me to search through this list, and I happy to report that Mr. and Mrs. K and Grammy K are no where to be found on it! {claps}

HOWEVER, on the list I unfortunately found my.........

Godfather

My church's pastor (this isn't a surprise)

My childhood soccer coach

My High School Trig teacher (who ironically, always used to get labeled as gay by the students b/c he looked and acted like this guy from Will & Grace)

My Mom's hairdresser

One of my best friends parents

Anddd my neighbors from when I lived in Gainesville

Now, everyone is probably saying "K, who cares about these people, they are totally random and you should just be thankful that your parents and your grandmother are not on the list." Well, ya that's true....but it is so sad to think that all of these people who used to be (and are currently) in my life wouldn't want me to have the same rights as them and their children.

It is sad really.

Hey Playa...Do Your Thing!

I'm getting excited....let's do this man!

Watch your back McCain!!!

On The Job Interview...

Ok, so last Friday I had big job interview at a major fashion house on the UES.

Overall, it went really well! I finally found something appropriate to wear after turning my entire closet upside down and inside out. HAHA! Dudes, I even got a complement from this female security guard when I was walking out of the subway on 5th. She was like...."looking good buddy" and I smiled and said "thank you." It was a really nice pick-me-up when I really needed the extra boost of confidence.

Anyways, walked into the store and it was ridiculous. People opening doors, others handing out sparkling water, UES moms in fur coats (even tho it was kinda hot that day)...it was like I was in another world.

And then I got to this lady's office.....OMG

I totally felt like Anne Hathaway in that scene in the Devil Wears Prada when she hands her resume to Miranda and she in turn gives her the 'once over'...........

I WAS MAD SCARED YO!!!!

But all my worries were for naught because once she removed that facade...we became fast friends, just chit-chatting away.

She admitted to me that she picked my resume out of the lot because she saw that I graduated from UF and she is originally from Florida.

SCCCOOORRREEE!

When pressed, I found out that she actually grew up in my home town. (which was not indicated on my resume btw)

CRAZY RIGHT?!?!?!?!

Even better....she graduated from our cross-town rival High School! Can you believe it is such a small world?

So everyone probably thinks that I got the job...because clearly me and "my Miranda" had a connection..right?

Well...no, not really. You see, they are looking for someone who can devout 35+ hours a week and clearly I cannot do that seeing as tho I am a full-time grad student. It is a shame really because I think I would have a fun in that store..AND YOU KNOW THE PAY IS REDONK + COMMISSION!!!

I'd been rollin it it for realz!

Oh well, she told me to call her after I graduate if I ever need a job. I might look into that...you never know. Although, if I am being honest, I might just head straight into a doctoral program after my MA. I really have no idea what I am gonna do with my life after 2009.

Perhaps I can just win the lotto and fly my ass on over to the South Pacific.....buy an Island, get some cabana boys in sarongs and just chill out.

I Love This Bitch...Like Seriously

Amy Winehouse performs at '08 Grammys
by TheDlisted

Here is a play-by-play analysis of this drunken heffa....

:40 Tanqueray Tan-tang-ger-ger-ray-ay

1:10 Listen to how she says "I cheated myself"

1:34 Drunken shuffle

2:20 "You wanna start sumthin?!?!?!"

4:42 "I need to pee guys....."

4:50 Drunken shuffle #2

4:57 "Talk to the hand heffa!"

5:17-5:25 "Fuck it, I'm not even gonna try anymore"

Amy Winehouse accepts Best Record Grammy
by TheDlisted

LMFAO @ her reaction when everyone else is celebrating around her and she doesn't even realize! It get's even better when she gives a shout out to "Ray-Ray" and to her husband who is incarcerated. She is such a hot mess

Can someone get this girl to say Yes, Yes, Yes to rehab....like seriously.

***EDIT***

My homeboy set me this picture and I swear I almost passed out from laughter!

Nervous....

So I am sitting here, staring in my closet, trying to figure out what the heck I am gonna wear tomorrow.....

Seeing as though everyone seems to be getting a new job these days, I figured that perhaps it was time for me to find something new as well.

To be honest, I am really not that disenchanted with the job that I have now but, on some level, I kinda feel that I could do a bit better.

So anyways, I have an interview tomorrow for a huge fashion house on 5th Avenue. (Pete don't tell anyone what it is, I wanna keep it a secret..LOL!)

I am really excited and super nervous! They are really a big deal in the fashion world (think super high end and French...but not Louis Vuitton) and it would be AMAZING if I got the job.

I told my parents about my interview earlier in the week and they laughed because they said that I don't have the kind of patience and temperament that is necessary in order to deal with the type of clientele that inevitably visit the store.

LMAO...Thanks for the pep talk guys!

Obviously I think they are way off base (I hope...LOL) but time will tell!

Wish me luck!

{What the fuck am I gonna wear?}

Political Commentary From The Grams...

On Hillary...

"K...you know I wouldn't mind Hillary if I didn't see her punk self getting misty eyed and crying everytime I turn on my damn TV. I ain't never seen a chick so damn emotional in all my 82 years! If I ever saw her on the street, I'd shake that heffa and tell her to man the fuck up and grow a pair. How the heck she wanna be President and always catching some feelings? She finna cry at the UN too or at the G8?!?!?! Shit......"

On McCain...

"His old half-dead ass, I wish he would sit his ol' dusty self down and drink some Ensure. Ain't no one voting for no septuagenarian or whatever that word they use for old ass men! If they let him in the White House, he prolly wouldn't even last the entire term....shoot! You already see his ass is going senile...tombout we can be in Iraq for 100 years for all he cares. Over your Granny's dead body, I wish he'd say that shit when I'm at a rally....betcha he wouldn't make it out!"



(My Grammy actually looks a lot like Madea)

I love this woman to bits, she always brings the jokes 24/7. Most of the time she has no idea what she is talking about but that doesn't stop her from being absolutely amazing. The funny thing is, if she really did run into Hillary Clinton on the street, she really would shake the shit out of her and tell her to man up.....and if she saw McCain, she'd realy hit him with her huge purse....because the woman has no shame!

Mr. Elevator Revisited......

Be patient K.....Be patient
Be patient K.....Be patient
Be patient K.....Be patient

Caught him in the gym tonight
Purple t-shirt stretched so tight
Smirks and stares
Nods and glares
Invite me home...I won't bite

And this ends tonight's poetry corner with K...

{snap, snap, snap}

Random Angry Rant

The following is an addendum to this post...

Someone please explain why some people find is necessary to take the elevator up ONE FLOOR?

Seriously......

Are you like that lazy that you cannot walk up ONE FLIGHT OF STAIRS?

What is wrong with you?

Moreover, you have the audacity to carry on a conversation with your homegirl about your newfangled gym membership and how you are gonna get "so sexy" this summer...

Bitch, who are you fooling? You can't take the stairs up one floor but you expect people to believe that you are gonna put that gym membership to use?

And you have McDonalds in your hand...do you not see how ridiculous you look?

And honestly, I wouldn't have been so pissed off if u hadn't wasted like five minutes of my life HOLDING the door for your fat friend in the lobby.

As if i don't have somewhere to be.

/End Rant

P.S. Good luck Kelly on your first day at the new job! I know you'll do great.....just don't take any shit from anyone....ya heard me?!?!?!

The Subway Provides Endless Jokes

What is it about the NYC subway that makes people act so damn ridiculous?

Case in point.....

This morning I met up with Columbia Girl by her new apartment in Chelsea. (P.S. how convenient is it that the one girl that I've come out to decides to move to Chelsea....LOL....could I have planned it any better?) We decided to hit up Murray's Bagels on 8th Ave because I haven't been there yet and she has been ranting and raving about it forever.

Anyways, the spot turned out to be a good choice because they have some of the best bagels I've had in my entire life! You have got to try their Whole Wheat Everything bagel....so so delicious.....

So we chatted about life, love, school, work....Valentine's Day (which is creeping up on us ppl) and a bunch of other stuff. The convo was fun and pleasant as always...made even better by the fact that I don't have to censor myself around her anymore. HAHA!

After about an hour or so of chatter she decided it was time for her to get back and change for work. We went our separate ways and I hopped on the C/E downtown to get back to Brooklyn. I realized while I was on the train that I had to go pick up something from Penthouse Girl's apartment in Murray Hill, so at Fulton Street I got off and headed for the 4/5 platform.....

So as I am waiting for the train I felt a burst of cold air on my back. Turns out that the tail end of my shirt had ridden up...no doubt caused by a combination of my mad dash to catch the train and the jeans that I was wearing.....

So as I was waiting behind the yellow line for the train, I flipped up the back of my jacket and started tucking in my shirt. Normal, totally non-suggestive activity....I was simply trying to fix myself....

I hear a whistle in the background........

Now, at first I thought nothing of it....because I was surrounded by people and one hears whistles all the time without really thinking that it *may* be directed at them. Whistles are kinda like car alarms in my opinion....no one really gives a fuck when they hear them....

So I continue to do my business....now im tucking in the side of my shirt over my right hip. All of a sudden I hear......

Hey man...looking good

So then I put two and two together and SLOWLY look over my right shoulder to see an older (late 30s-early 40s) latino man, leaning against a piling and staring at my ass! OHHHH HELLLLL NAAAAA, you know your boy K had to unleash the screw face on his ass!



Me: Come again?
Brazen Old Man: You look nice in those jeans...
Me: Wow...you cannot be serious
Brazen Old Man: You heading Uptown?
Me: {mouth agape}
Brazen Old Man: Well???????
Me: {looks around for a hidden camera, turns around to get on the train}
Brazen Old Man: Ha, worth a try....
Me:

Moral of the story: Clearly there is no other place on the planet where men are more forward than in NYC. You've gotta be pretty bold to try to pick up a guy, almost 2 decades your junior, in broad daylight, on a subway platform, AS the train is pulling into the station.

What was his major malfunction?

LMFAO...the subway I tell you....JOKES!