Confessions in a Subway Station......

Where do I begin?

I apologize in advance if everything seems all over the place...I am shaking and I really don't feel good physical/emotionally/any other possible way you could feel....I am still kinda trying to wrap my head around what happened last night. One thing is for certain..........alcohol is a bad, bad thing.

So last night was a fun night....for the most part. I met up with Columbia Girl, PR Boy and a whole host of our mutual friends along with about 100+ other UF Alumni to watch the UF-Troy game (we won). It was a blast. All you can eat wings and fries and all you could drink, including top-shelf liquor, all for only $20, how could you go wrong?

Anyways, I got kinda shitty along with everyone else at the bar...we were totally rowdy and out of control, it was a great atmosphere I must say. I totally felt like I was back in the Swamp...except it was air-conditioned and I had a whole bunch of food and drinks.

Anyways after we whooped some Troy ass.....me, Columbia Girl, PR boy and my other friend decided to hoof it to the subway. At this point of the night Columbia Girl and myself were pretty much sobered up, as we stopped drinking around half-time and started downing water to make sure that we were not super dehydrated later. PR Boy however...he kept on drinking and drinking.....beer......jager bombs......more beer....etc etc. Needless to say that he was sooo shitfaced he had a bit of a problem walking on his own. Since we all live in different parts of Brooklyn (minus my other friend) we decided that we would take the same subway together to ensure that PR Boy got home alright.

Anyways, we were on the subway train laughing and talking about how crazy it is that we all ended up in New York after knowing each other since High School. Just having a good time and enjoying each others company. PR boy was also providing us with a lot of entertainment since he was saying the silliest shit and making the requisite drunk pronouncements that only ever seem to come out when you are totally shitfaced.

" I love you guys so much....like so fucking much you don't even know!"

" Honestly, I am so glad we are all here....you guys (including some other individuals that I have yet to mention) are all I need in my life!"

Etc, etc....you basically kinda get a mental picture of how far gone he was. Anyways, the stop came up where me and PR Boy had to switch trains to get to our respective places. Before we left we tried to make dinner plans for Sunday at PR Boy's apt because he has a huge kitchen but Columbia Girl already had plans...so we decided that we would just do dinner ourselves. Anyways, we left her on her train to continue her journey a couple stops further to her final destination. So we walk out onto the platform and start to make our way to our trains.................

This is where everything goes to absolute shit.....I am going to give you a transcript (to the best of my abilities....since everything is kinda a blur right now) of what was actually exchanged between us.

PR Boy: Can I ask you something? {while leaning/stumbling on me}
Me: Sure, what's up?
PR Boy: You have to be totally honest with me.
Me: Sure..of course...what's the deal?
PR Boy: I am serious....like I NEED you to be honest with me.

Aside #1: By this point I am going from slightly to incredibly nervous. I am sure everyone who has been/is still in the closet can relate to how nerve-racking it actually is when someone starts off a conversation with "you have to be totally honest with me" because obviously......you haven't been doing so in a way. I mean even tho chances are that what comes after that phrase has NOTHING to do with your sexuality....by consequence of our closetedness, we are pretty much automatically expecting to get outted.

Me: Of course bro..what is it?
PR Boy: Are you gay?
Me: WHAT?!?!?!
PR Boy: Dude, are you gay?
Me: Wait..What....no.
PR Boy: K {pause} Are you gay?
Me: Huh?.........No.....Why on earth would you ask that?

Aside #2: Ok now I know all of you are sitting there rolling your eyes at me...."K what the fuck is wrong with you, you know you are fucking gay....why oh why are you blatantly lying to this guy?" Well listen, I was caught totally off guard, and I am sure the first reaction that most people who are in mine/our situation would be to deny deny deny and DENY some more....even if it is a straight up lie.

PR Boy: I have always kinda had a feeling you were gay. {hiccup}
Me: WHAT?!?!?!
PR Boy: Are you sure you are being honest with m__________?
Me: Yea!
PR Boy: Can I tell you something?
Me: What is it now?
PR Boy: Can I trust you?
Me: Of course you can.
PR Boy: {hiccup} Seriously, bro {hiccup} can I trust you?
Me: Yea, yes of course...how long have we known each other?
PR Boy: You have to swear to me.

Aside #3: Now I am WAY BEYOND nervous...I am still furiously trying to figure out how to do damage control in my head....while bracing myself for what inevitably seems is gonna be a huge revelation.

Me: Dude, I swear.

~ long pause ~

PR Boy: I have hooked up with guys before.............

~ silence ~

Me: Come again?!?!?!!?
PR Boy: I have hooked up with a couple {hiccup} of guys before.....but I am not gay!
Me: Wha...Waii......huh?!?!?!
PR Boy: I have hooked up with guys before....but I am not gay......I am not like that, I could never live that life.

Aside #4: At this moment I think my brain is absolutely blank...like a deserted wasteland......my GOD what is happening here?

PR Boy: YOU CANNOT TELL ANYONE!
Me: Of course, I would never say anything...ever!
PR Boy: You are the ONLY person I've told..ever...I trust you...like.....you CANNOT say ANYTHING to ANYONE.
Me: Dude....what is wrong with you....you know that whatever you tell me is gonna stay between us.
PR Boy: Okkk......but why aren't you being honest with me?
Me: What are you saying?
PR Boy: Dude........You are gay.........you know you're gay.........why aren't you being honest?

Aside #5: Honestly....I dunno why I kept denying it. He has done what no other person in 22 years has done, and that has been to totally put me on the spot and call me out....I have no idea how to handle this. At the time I wasn't thinking (for obvs reasons)....but as I am writing and recalling everything that was said tonight, it is quite clear to me now that he was telling me about himself to get me to admit the fact that I'm gay. (This will become even more clear in a second)

PR Boy: Dude, I have hooked up with 3 guys before....I just like to have a good time.
Me: What?!?!?!? Who?!?!?!
PR Boy: Well...I hooked up with 2 guys in the frat....and I've hooked up with a co-worker
Me: {Blankly Stares} Are you serious?
PR Boy: Yea...I hooked up with my big.....and __________ (some other guy we both know in the frat) and I hooked up with a co-worker too....I like to fool around, it is no big deal.
Me: OMG I cannot believe this.

Aside #6: Now when I said that...I dunno what I was reacting mostly too, his admissions or the fact that I just blatantly lied to my best friend who basically (drunk or not) trusted me enough to tell me this about himself. At this point I was so beyond confused and conflicted....seriously I had no idea what to do or say...no plan of action....NOTHING!

PR Boy: I dunno whyyyyyy you don't trust me enough to just tell me the truth about yourself....I just told you how I have hooked up with guys....like....I have sucked dick before.......I didn't really like it, but I did it...why are you lying to me right now, I don't {hiccup} understand!!!!!!
Me: So are you gay?
PR Boy: No!
Me: So you are bi. (statement not a question)
PR Boy: Honestly.....I don't know what I am right now...All I know is that I just can't live that life....like...I just can't do it, I want to be happy.

~ silence ~

Me: Sooooo ahhhhhhhh
PR Boy: Like dude....I want to get married you know....and have kids
Me: Yea welllll
PR Boy: We aren't leaving here until you say it....like I want to hear you say it out loud and admit it.
Me: Dude....what?
PR Boy: You know what....admit that you are gay...you know you are, I know you are, most of our friends {trails off}
Me: W--H--A--T!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
PR Boy: {smiles} It doesn't matter bro....just admit it already
Me: Is this all a set-up? Are you trying to corner me? Everything that you just said up to this point....was it just to get me to say that I am gay?

Aside #7: By this time we have stopped walking and we are having this discussion in a fucking corner of a NYC subway station. Moreover, after I said that last line I basically realized that I had outted myself whether I liked it or not. I mean...what straight guy would use that kinda retort...right?

PR Boy: I want to hear you say it.
Me: {Looks}
PR Boy: I know you are....it is so obvious if you know what to look for.
Me: I am obvious?
PR Boy: Kinda...I mean I pretty much had a good idea you were since High School....
Me: I dunno what to say.
PR Boy: You're gay. (statement not a question)

~ silence ~

Me: {sigh} Yea, I guess I am.
PR Boy: Don't you feel better now?
Me: I dunno what just happened.
PR Boy: Don't worry, you're secret is safe with me..and you better not tell anyone about me either!
Me: You know I would never do that...but you have to swear to me, promise that you don't say a word of this to anyone!
PR Boy: Dude, I swear to you...I will not say anything...I don't understand why you aren't fucking relieved.
Me: I dunno what I feel.
PR Boy: Dude I am missing my train
Me: Go get it
PR Boy: Come home with me

**** PUMP THE MOTHERFUCKING BRAKES!!!!!!!!!!!!! ****

Me: WHAAA?
PR Boy: Dude...just come home with me, come on! {slightly pleading voice}

Aside #8: Jesus, Mary and Joseph.....you cannot be serious right now. Just when I think that this situation could not get any more fucking ridiculous. Did he just proposition me?

Me: I don't think that would be a good idea. {hands on my head in shock}
PR Boy: Why noootttt?
Me: I just don't think it is...I just...........I dunno
PR Boy: Bro, I promise nothing will happen...I promise......just come home with me.
Me: No, I've got to get back to my place....I can't
PR Boy: What the fuck! Fine............
Me: Are you ok to get home?
PR Boy: Whatever.... {throws up hands} you just dicked me over
Me: How the fuck did I dick you over?
PR Boy: I dunno..its just whatever {long pause} So are you coming or what
Me: No, I am going home....I've got to take all this in....I can't believe this just happened
PR Boy: Mannnn......you always dick me over...fuck! Whatever.
Me: Dude.....you are plastered and you don't know what you are talking about.....
PR Boy: I am going home...bye! {turns around and runs away, leaving me there}

That isn't how I wanted to end that discussion AT ALL. I didn't want to even HAVE that discussion, let alone leave it like that. So then I was worried because now I am thinking that I pissed him off because I didn't go home with him....now he is gonna go out me or something. That in addition to a million other things that were (and still are) swimming in my head like....

- Was that whole spiel just a set-up to get me home?
- Will he remember any of this in the morning?
- Is there anything that I could have done differently?
- Why was he so fucking forceful....it is so out of character for him.
- Did I just come out?

After reading so many of your coming out stories, one of the most over-arching themes that connected all of them was the fact that people felt so relieved after it was done. I have to say that this is not the case for me.....I feel worse...much worse. I felt so cornered by my friend and so blind-sided over how everything transpired I just don't know what to think. I dunno if there are enough adjectives to describe what I am feeling right now. If you couldn't tell by some of my previous posts, I am a pretty A, B, C type of guy...I like to plan and have a contingency plan in place just in case things do not work out the way that I want them to. I could have never expected what just happened tonight. Never.

I am sitting here on my bed, trying to figure out what has upset me the most. I mean I should be happy and relieved right? After some deliberation, I think that I've got it.......

"I didn't have a choice."

"I did not have a fucking choice."

I was totally cornered and I had nowhere to go.

This isn't how I wanted to come out at first.....it does not fit into my plan at all.

I deserved to come out on my own terms, in my own way.

Now I have no idea how I am going to proceed.....I don't think I have ever been so confused and emotional in my entire life.

I feel sick.....physically ill.

*** UPDATE ***

I just got off the phone with him...we talked for about for an hour. I will give you details later, right now I have to sleep.....or try to sleep....I don't think I will be sleeping very well............

Suffice to say that there were some very interesting things discussed in my phone conversation (with him a bit more sober) that I will discuss.

This makes no sense.