I Feel Really Shitty.

Not physically.....physically I am great.

But emotionally speaking, I have just been feeling really horrible.

And the thing is, it so much more than dealing with my sexuality. I mean, I've come to terms with the fact that I am gay, and even though I really wish it wasn't the case for me.....I realize that there is nothing I can (or anyone else can) do about it. And that is...for the most part, OK.

I just don't understand why I have been in such a rut the past couple of days but I can't really seem to muster up the will to care about anything. I just don't care anymore.......and that is so out of character for me. I mean I go to class, participate and I still visit friends here in the city and do my everyday, normal things.....but for the most part I almost feel like I am watching myself do these things and not really engaging in them.

I just don't feel like I am really all here.

At first I thought it was because maybe I was getting homesick, but really.....I could care less about Florida. I mean, minus my parents, grandmother and like 5 close friends I don't really care about that place. Moreover, this isn't the first time I have been away from home for an extended period of time, I studied abroad in England for months......so this whole distance thing isn't new to me.

Then I was like, "well maybe it is school......maybe I am stressed out with classes." But you know what, that isn't it either. I am ok with my classes and minus a few hours of panic every Monday evening before Neuropsychology...I really don't feel that swamped with school.

Then I thought maybe it was work, but then I quickly dismissed that idea since....if we are being honest......work isn't really that difficult. I mean I basically sit in front of a computer 16 hours a week and just type. It isn't that big of a deal...and it shouldn't make me depressed.

So then I thought that perhaps the reason why I am so bummed out all the time is because I am lonely. And to be honest with you......I was up until about 4 the other night contemplating whether or not this was the case.

And you know what.....I don't that this is the reason either. I mean of course I don't have a boyfriend, and of course I am not in a relationship.....but again, this isn't anything new to me. I have never been in a relationship and I have no idea how it feels to be not alone. Hell, even growing up I was pretty much alone (save for my parents) so I am very used to this.

So basically, in all facets of my life...I am doing pretty much the same thing that I have always been doing but yet, I am starting to feel worse than I think I have ever felt before. I mean you wouldn't know it by looking at me because I make it a point not to put all my feelings on Front Street. I doubt that my family or friends have noticed a difference in me...I suppose I am just a really good actor, I dunno.

I don't even really know how to put my feelings into words...I just don't know. All I know is that I don't feel well and I have no idea how to go about changing it. Isn't this ironic coming from an individual who is a grad student in Psychology? Somehow I seem to be capable of helping everyone else with their emotional issues, but I have no idea how to deal with my own.

What is even worse is that if I was ever to speak to someone about whatever is going on in my head......I wouldn't even be able to verbalize what I am feeling because I don't even know myself. How horribly, horribly sad.